5 Hours!

HC slept for 5 hours last night! He was fussin at the boob...it is an ongoing battle for us since little one is hooked to the formula drug. Ugh. But he is getting better. The best news is that his bilirubin went down and yesterday Dr. Dawson told us that we no longer have to test him and he is "the perfect baby."

As if I didn't already know this.

In other news, I have pooed finally. My fear of pooing is now gone and I no longer feel like I have another baby about to be born because of constipation. My milk has also come in, which took 5 days and worried me that it wouldn't happen. But it has and my boobs are huge melons. My stomach has deflated almost back to what it was, but it's sort of weird looking. I don't know how to describe it. But I can't wait to start on some crunches in a month or so.

Being with Holden in our Keep has been wonderful. It was made especially wonderful when we had our families here. On Saturday night all the grandparents and Ward were over at the house and we all had wine and cheese. And Tammany (who was my hospital friend btw, she brought flowers and smiles during and after HC's birth!) and Kyle and Andrew came over too. I loved seeing our house so full of love and excitement for Holden. I miss our families so much. I don't know if this is part of the "baby blues" everyone says you get....but I just feel very sensitive and nostalgic for having had everyone here and I wish we all lived closer.

I can't get over how beautiful Holden is. If I could sculpt a child at a Build-a-Baby workshop, I would create this exact baby. I love the extreme arch of his eyebrows, particulary when he gets angry and they go soaring up. I love his upturned little nose and big lips. His round cheeks and big blue eyes. And he's so perfectly plump you just want to eat him all up.

Holden will be a week old tomorrow and I can't believe it has gone so fast already! Already I am nostalgic for that first moment seeing him born, for watching him in his little basket wheeling around the hospital, sleeping with him on my chest for the first time. He becomes more and more his own person every day. He loves to be sung to and will stare into my eyes for 20 mins as I sing him songs, he is so so so stubborn just like his mom and dad, he is so strong and can lift his head completely upright when on his tummy and already roll on his side, he loves loves to be cuddled and hates to be naked (unless he is outside in which case he luxuriates with his belly in the sun like a lizard).

I already feel like a different person in just a few days. I know everyone says not to be consumed by the baby. To not let them become everything you think about. But it is hard to not want to be awake playing with him all the time despite pure exhaustion, or to put off lunch in favor of watching him open and close his starfish hands as he swings in his rainforest swing and looks out the window at the birds. Chris and I will just sit there and stare at him. Even his funny little farts and burps delight us.

This is not to say it is a cakewalk. Sleeplessness like this is not for the weak of heart. When we do get to sleep together and are not on opposite shifts, Chris and I will cling to eachother like people drowning. Gulping sleep like air.

There is nothing but living in the moment with a baby. It is the only option. You fly by the seat of your pants and you have to give up the idea of everything being planned perfectly because it is impossible. But it is such a momentous joy to see this little life that you and your lover created. That wouldn't exist if not for you. This perfect soul descended down from whatever heaven must be. To think of your child and your family and appreciate life in a new way, instead of directing life from the perspective of yourself as an individual entity going throughout the world thinking of self satifisfaction. I just can't wait to see every little new thing. His first smile, first word, watch his features develop and see what sorts of things he likes and dislikes. It's said that you will never really know love until you have a child. I always thought this was rather annoying. But I daresay it is true....in a way. There is love you feel to your significant other which is extraordinary, and that to your friends. But the love you feel toward your child is the type of self-sacrificing joan of arc shit upon which the galaxy's primordial soup must have existed.

Ok time to rouse him for the Battle of the Boob.

Some pictures of our little boy, who is a week old tomorrow (sob!)

this is the first pic that i snapped of our baby. he still prefers to be swaddled with his hands out. \

2nd pic I took of him with his big Buddha belly. That went down after his large meconium poo that chris was fortunate enough to change...


it cracks me up how beautiful he looks, even in standard issue hospital garb.


beautiful peaceful boy sleeps with his legs crossed like mama.


gorgeous father and son.


tummy time is the best time. Holden does prefer the one sock look.


snoozin in grandpa mcaloon's baby hat!


cradled in love. he is so tiny!


i love how you can just mess with kids and aint nothing they can do about it! ;)

More pics to come...fam pics and professional photog pics!

Mamma