Where You End And I Begin

Easter 2011

2011-04-25T15:09:00.000-07:00

I realize I am reviving this blog from the dead, but figured an Easter post would be a fitting one to do so. We have been busy bees around here. Hopefully I will find more time to write in here soon!

So for Easter Chris hatched (huhuhuh) the brilliant plan to surprise the kids at the loop where I take them walking every morning. It is a 3/4 mile loop around trees and slopes down at the sides to a huge flat area of grass. Basically, it's a ditch haha. But it is somehow majestic and makes one want to run or fly kites. Holden love scaling up and down the sides. We decided to make an egg trail from the sidewalk and path that leads up to the edge of the gully, then place their baskets and car in the middle of the grass below. We figured Holden would follow slowly along collecting eggs, then see the car and take off running down the sides...which is exactly what happened. My favorite part of the event was the moment Holden glimpsed the car. He turned around and said to Casey and I "Car?!" In excited amazement like it was a mirage. Then off he went! There were some grandmas walking along the loop and they were so excited to see Holden's excitement. Very sweet.

Our First Christmas At Home

2010-12-25T19:51:00.000-08:00

What a lovely family I have, with such blessed and beautiful children.

I hope everyone had an amazing, beautiful day.

and now...pictures....

Casey and Holden play with their new water mat:

Grocery shopping for baking goods with Bear and Monkey:

Reading Casey "Night Before Christmas"

Daddy and Casey Goofballs:

Grandpa and Casey with his Camo Bear Hat:

Grandpa read "The Night Before Christmas" to my book worm:

Mexican Lasagna on Christmas Eve mmm:

My Mama's Boy:

Part of the loot:

Holden ponders the meaning of gift deluge:

My Boys:

Grandma and James Dean:

Beautiful boy:

Our attempt at the fugliest tree ever...AKA G-Flat

Holden's Alligator/Dinosaur Slippers:

More Goofballdom:

More beauty:

Holden tackles new nesting blocks:

Night Before Christmas:

The Christmas Eve Assemblage:

Angry Elf:

I was right...July 2, 2010.

2010-07-15T18:55:00.000-07:00

Meet Casey Finn (or Grasshopper, or Tron, or Shrub, or bat)! Our newest little addition who arrived at 39 weeks, 0 days. He was born at 2:43 pm, 7 lbs 14 oz and 20.5 inches. Same exact gestation and length as his big brother.

just born

sleeping in a heap

few days old in elf hat

with daddy today

Dancing with Grandma Rita

with grandma mcaloon

Passed out on Grandpa McAloon

listening to daddy play guitar

Casey Finn is two weeks old tomorrow. The time has gone by so quickly, even for people in a newborn haze. Our new little one is the most observative, agreeable little baby I've met. Although he wants to be held by mama all the time, or rather, snuggled into my boob. Yes, we are doing the breastfeeding thing this time, and although it makes sleeping at night much easier and infinitely cozier

(he sleeps next to me and when he wakes up hungry I can pull him close to eat then go back to bed), it means pain. Oh the pain. And today I went to the doctor due to weird consistent fevers and was told I have mastitis. But apparently it is supposed to become routine and non-painful sometime soon according to all the other milkcows so I grit my teeth and wait for the payoff. We've already saved a bundle on formula just in these two weeks though, and the bond between the two of us is surprisingly solid for two people who just met two weeks ago. So to summarize:

Benefits of formula:

no boobage bondage (have yet to feed him in public this will be nipped in bud soon)
no boobage torture (aside from the few days of engorgement when milk comes in)
you can look baby in eyes when feeding
a lot easier for daddy to share in feedings and bonding
sleep longer periods because takes longer to digest

Benefits of breastfeeding:

weight loss (t-minus 20 lbs as of today)
sleeping at night (if you have the nerve to cosleep. it still freaks me out)
bonding and oxytocin
free
no hassle of bottles

Looking at the list, I can see why they are pretty even in terms of benefits. With Holden he was such an assman that he wanted nothing to do with the boob. So two months breastmilk he got then the duty was happily over. The child has yet to get an ear infection and is beautiful and brilliant. This time around Casey screamed for boob the second he was born and latched on like a champ. I plan to do it this route for 6 months.

Soooo, onto the birth story.

The night of July 1st the Webers came over for fondue. They had been in town helping us since June 28th due to my being 3 cm and thinking i'd pop any moment. Thank god for them; they have helped us immeasurably with Hbomb.

As you might recall, I had Melting Pot the night before Holden was born (in which the song "holden back the years" played in serendepitious fashion) so I thought that between the walking that day and the fondue that night, I was sure to go into labor the following day.

Chris had a pineapple ready for me as well. So we went to bed with my feeling completely fine and refreshed. I awoke at 3 am with strong period cramps. Similar to what I had been feeling all week and completely manageable, but still strong enough to wake me up and get my attention. I laid in bed for a few minutes, trying to decide if it was worth it to wake Chris up. I almost went back to sleep but then noticed that I was completely 100% awake. I am never awake at this hour, particularly after going to bed only 2 hours prior, and it was because of this that I woke up Chris with a nudge and a simple "we need to go." He sat up like a dead person suddenly and violently resurrected, and the clamor to get moving started. I took a shower, he started throwing his last minute items into our bag and of course donned his labor shirt:

He called the emergency line for the OB and they gave us the green flag to the hospital (uh yah, I was already going anyway) and awoke the Webers from their fondue dreams. They bent the laws of physics to get here in about 5 mins time from a distance of 10 mins away if going 5-10 mph over the speed limit. Rita was excited. David seemed to have consumed 10 cups of coffee in the drive over and joined Chris in the mad shuffle to get things into the car. I will never forget the look on his face when I said "oh ouch, we need to go" while standing there at the doorway. I thought he was literally going to throw me into the car to get me to the hospital. Before I left I went into Holden's room. He was laying on his side in his usual position, spooning his blanket. I pet his head and whispered to him that I love him and he would always be my first baby. I took a mental picture of the last time I would see him as my only child. And off we went.

Oh how many times we had driven to our routine appointments and imagined what it would be like driving that strip of highway while in labor (hoping we wouldn't need to be induced!). It was so dark and surreal and we knew it was going to be a long long night. We arrived at our lovely brand new hospital 5 mins later (yes, it was a far cry from the 25 mins down major hwy in rush hour traffic that was holden's birth) and go to registration desk. The freaking bimbos at the front took about 20 mins trying to fix some computer error that apparently made it impossible to book us into one of the rooms. I ended up snapping at her and was given "oh poor contraction pregnant lady" looks from the woman in the waiting room. Finally I was wheeled upstairs like an invalid and placed into our beautiful room. Casey's box and warming station were already there waiting for him.

Everything in the room was expectant for his impending arrival...like I was having a baby or something. Wait, I was. Yah, I never believe it till I see it. It was pouring rain outside, another day in a series of weird weather patterns on the tail end of a tropical storm and daily thunderstorms. My entire pregnancy I imagined Casey as this little tempestuous, artistic type. Sensitive and moody. The fact that he was choosing to be a rider on the storm suited this image perfectly. So I was hooked up to the annoying machines that are constantly malfunctioning and screaming and the nurse told me that I was having contractions, but they were not THAT strong so there was a good chance I would be sent home. She then checked for dilation and informed me that I was a good 5 cm dilated. She looked utterly shocked that I was still able to speak and smile in this condition, and said she would speak to the attending physician to see if I would be admitted. She returned a few minutes later speaking of paperwork and things and I had to stop her mid-sentence..."So...I am being admitted?" I asked. "Yes, you are having a baby today," she said. Chris and I looked at one another with a powerful mixture of awe and fear and joy and I realized that I then knew my baby would be born on July 2nd. What a lovely beautiful day.

(yah my face got cut off here but he looks so cute)

So I asked them to give me my epidural ASAP as things were starting to actually kind of hurt, and the nurse (who wasn't my most favorite person as she reminded me of a snarky cheerleader with a fake smile) told me "I would live" in a kind voice about having to wait for the penicillin (yes, gbs positive so I was being doped up to kill bad flora) to run into my body. I think that was an excuse but whatever. She was replaced soon enough by a much better nurse (who has 6 kids and takes her two youngest to our neighborhood park to catch frogs!) and my epidural came and was administered by an appropriately nerdy doctor. After having two epidurals I still can't properly describe how strange they feel. It feels the same way as when you push a needle into a thick pincushion, kind of resistant and crunchy, only it's your body and it's being done to you. After the epidural I was all sorts of happy and loopy. My entire lower body was warm and numbish. We put on our labor playlist Chris made which included "Disintegration" Radiohead's "Reckoner" and Enigma and was perfect for the dark stormy weather! We listened to music and tried to get some much-needed rest in before the big moment came.

Around 8 amish I had an unexpected surprise from my very own doctor! I always thought I'd be delivering afterhours but this time I lucked out and was going to have a Friday afternoon baby. He said he would definitely be there for me and that he hadn't expected to see my name on his list (there were apparently a ton of planned c-sections that day) but wasn't completely shocked either due to the 3 cm 5 days prior. Things were pretty uneventful up until push time. The entire time between I was worried about the epidural not working on the left side because I was much less numb on that side, but things were fine. And there was a blip toward the end where I wasn't progressing from a 9 to a 10 for about two hours, which was strange because of how fast I was going on my end prior. But in the end Dr. Mointero came back in, announced me as a 10, and I was ready to push.

I was so intent on making this experience different from my first, in that I did not want a combined 5 hours of pushing, that I ended up being superwoman pusher. The nurse was quite excited about my enthusiasm even though I knew I was pooing and that couldn't be exciting to clean up. There was this moment when I first pushed that I just KNEW a poo was coming about and the nurse and Chris were just watching it's arrival. Yah...I had to pretend that wasn't going on to continue the doody at hand. About 10 mins into the pushing the nurse exclaimed "look at all that dark hair!" and I couldn't help but laugh despite the horrible pain. I always teased Chris that we'd have this dark skinned/haired baby because I dated mainly non whiteys before him. So the dark hair thing was unexpected. Both that he had hair at all, and that it was dark. A few minutes later she told me to stop pushing so she could get Dr. Mointero. And in his sauntered (why do OBs take forever to get their darn scrubs on and move on up to the vag?) and told me I could push. I few pushing and I heard him say "Kelly, look down at your baby." Now this was by far the most amazing part of the labor and delivery experience, and I think god that my OB was cool enough to do this for me because I would never have known to ask him to. He basically held up Casey for me to see as he was still halfway in my body. Sounds weird, but he had already turned so basically was just still partway in by his legs. I was able to look at him, bloody, gooey, rodent-like, crying with a twisted up angry face, still part of me and of course 100% him. It was incredible. I was balling like I'd never done this before and Chris was too. The moment when you and your partner look at each other after seeing your new baby is unlike any moment you will ever have again. Even if it's your second, third, baby. It is the most unique, cherished moment that stands on its own as a noble gas of sorts. They put him on my chest and I held his yuckiness close to mine. They left him on me for quite a while then took him to be warmed and wrapped up. Chris took a bunch of pictures and buzzed with excitement that my guesses that the baby would be his doppelganger were accurate.

They gave him back to me and he screamed for boob and the love affair began. When we were moved to recovery finally I collapsed into Chris's arms with relief that we had two beautiful healthy children and that the experience delivering Casey was so beautiful and perfect. We stayed there until July 4, when we were discharged into the world. I was more than ready to go home. Just feeling the hot breeze on my face after being wheeled out to the car (yes they make you ride in that damn wheelchair out too) made me feel like a free creature.

So here we are, two weeks later. The Webers have come and gone (Rita, angel she is, slept on our couch for a few days to give us extra help), my parents have come and gone (they were incredibly loving and helped so much with Holden I am so grateful and luck) and I have already had to return to the darn doctor for antibiotics for mastitis. Chris went into work today for a 6 hours stint leaving me alone with the boys for the longest period of time I've had yet. It was a bit of a madhouse. Casey is a completely consolable, easygoing child...as long as i'm holding him. With the Bomb that is a bit difficult. We are all learning. And tonight I received a wonderful present from one of my leading men. I gave Holden his entire dinner/bath/book/song routine for the first time in quite a while (Chris has been doing the heavy lifting for that part of the day and it's made me feel so guilty and like I have ruined my relationship with Holden by not being around him enough) and after his book I asked him for a hug (not expecting it...he is always all over the place these days, not wanting to be tied down haha) and he immediately laid down, put his entire body into it, and laid like that while I sang him "Silent Night" - the song I sang to him in the womb and as an infant. He must have laid there with his arms wrapped around my neck and his face buried in my shoulder for 20 mins as tears silently fell down my cheek and I thanked the divine for this moment and this blessing. He finally sat up and I said "Oh thank you for that hug, thank you." And he curled up and laid back down on me and cooed. Really, cooed like a baby. He is so young and I know he doesn't get the entire baby thing with Casey and what his place is and where that leaves him in the mix, but he knows that I am his Mama and he is my Baby and as it should be.

Love,

The cracked-nipple, madly-in-love, mother of two.

ps we have a ton more pics these are just iphone ones.

July 1, 2010: Will Tonight be the Night?

2010-06-30T21:57:00.000-07:00

Soooooo. Things are progressing. I think.

TMI ALERT! Sorry this is more an account for my memory so enjoy!

Monday I had appointment and was told I was at a 3 cm and he could feel the head. Not only that, but he said he could wiggle the head. I indeed felt Casey's body moving a bit in correlation with his wiggle. It hurt, even though it was kinda neat. Later that day I had bloody mucusy stuff but not much (he warned me that blood would probably be the result of the exam). The next day I lost a big chunk of my mucus plug, and today two more big pieces. The last two nights I have had timeable pains, I THINK contractions. But nothing to send me rushing to the hospital. Plus I am still really congested and a bit intimidated by the idea of going through labor with my head full of snot. Yes, there is snot emerging from all orifices.

The Webers rushed here after our appointment on Monday and this was their second day in town. It's been so nice having them here.

I spend my days with butterflies in my stomach thinking of when he will be here. It's like being a kid and waiting for Disney World trip to arrive. Nearly exactly like that.

Thinking tonight could be the night. Or hoping. If not tonight I hope he hangs in there for the 4th. The 1st or the 4th are good solid birthdays.

Oh I felt something! Little man knocking. Rita and I got mani/pedis and I thought for sure my water would break out in public haha. But no. I got sparkly blue toenails to make me happy during the awful pushing!

Mama to two

13 DAYS (until due date)!

2010-06-26T17:09:00.001-07:00

That is all. Oh, and still sick. Hoping full moon fever doesn't kick little one out.

Sinus Infection

2010-06-23T19:17:00.001-07:00

Ears feel stuffed with the both the ocean and a rack of knives.

Molars feel rotted to the root.

Face feels as if trampled by herd.

Apparently it's a sinus infection. Am on antibiotics and feeling like utter utter utter dog shit in the sun.

Please Casey Finn, hang in there until mama is better.

On being Sick and Sickeningly Grateful

2010-06-22T18:55:00.001-07:00

37 weeks, 4 days. All bets are off. Casey Finn could emerge at any moment. Normally at this point in pregnancy the mother is jumping backwards, drinking castor oil, shooting primrose tea, walking 10 miles a day and doing unmentionables to coax the baby out.

I on the other hand, despite feeling like a miserable whale of a human being and infinitely sad for my 13-month-old who wants to get into everything and go everywhere (we are not on the same page with that), am not anxious for this little man to emerge. I am sick as a dog.

I have somehow existed this entire pregnancy with no illness aside the pregnancy-related variety. And now, with every next moment containing the possibility of going into labor, I come down with this ghettoass illness. It feels like the flu, without the fever. So most likely it is just a horrible virus that is hopefully not too serious. But for someone in their last weeks of pregnancy herding a toddler, it is virtually a death sentence.

A week ago I was Wet Jetting the floors every night before bed. Such was my nesting. Now I am lucky if I can make my tissue land in the basket.

This means that my impossibly gorgeous and virtuous man has assumed pretty much all duties of the household. He works, he comes home to help me in the afternoon, he cooks, cleans, then goes back to work for hours in the night. I find him creeping in like a hollowed-out shell in the middle of the night. Does he complain? No.

I know it's practice for what will be the even tougher part of having a newborn and a toddler coexisting in the same roof. But it's hard.

Yet I am so so grateful. For having a soulmate who is the strongest and most loving person I know. Who I can count on to be there for me and our children. Watching him with Holden is the most peaceful, right thing my soul has ever experienced. I love our family. I can't wait to meet our new son (who has permanently wedged his elbow into my ribs but I get him back by my epic sneezes that scare him silly). Oh and I can't wait to not be sick.

Other than that, we are watching the World Cup around here and I am learning all sorts of things about how annoying South African instruments are. Oh, and about the football itself, which is pretty cool too. England and US both play tomorrow and we are anxious to see if they both advance (hopefully). Oh and finishing that nursery (still), which I am doubting will be "finished" before little one makes his cameo. But that's ok. We have what we need.

Mama and also Mama-to-be

Things You Never Thought You or your Man Would Say (ongoing post)

2010-06-17T13:24:00.000-07:00

Kelly, Today: "No, don't kick your poop!"

Chris, Yesterday, Through Baby Monitor Unaware he's being Overheard: "Now that's one clean butt (cha cha cha) yes that's one clean butt (cha cha cha)!"

Chris, 6.26: "You're not supposed to poop in the water."

The Day's Stream of Consciousness

2010-06-12T19:54:00.000-07:00

1) It's morning time for realz? What is that sound? A seagull? Wait, I'm in landlocked Texas. Oh, that is the baby crying. I see. What does the baby want? Food. (nudge male) It's his turn right? Right.

2) Holy crap what time is it? Almost 11 pm! Oh how I love love love that man of mine and his Saturday excursions with the boy to breakfast and the playground. Why is it I can nap but I can't sleep at night anyway?

3) Why isn't Chris answering my texts or the phone? Something awful must have happened. My request for him to bring me home Dippin Dots surely warranted a reply? The baby must have fallen and lost an eye on the playscape. Panic. Panic.

4) They are here. Oh thanks goodness. Oh no, an overtired baby. Please sleep. Please?

5) He brought a slice of pizza but no Dippin Dots. 7 out of 10. At least this garlic roll makes his enviable trip to the movie theatre to watch the World Cup and drink beer palatable. Wait what is that sound? The baby! It has been 45 mins of nap, not his best. Uh oh, that is not a good recharge. I see grouchiness ensuing.

6) Look at that kid shake his butt to the Beatles. He's fantastic. He's my utter world.

7) Why am I being yelled at by my world? Let's go swing and play at the water table. Must get bug spray. Must make sure bug spray is applied to all areas due to tenacious mosquitos. Should I put the sunscreen on before or after the bug spray? I can never figure this out?

8) I am going to have TWO of these guys. That is awesome. Wait that is going to be so freaking hard! How do people get through the doors with a double stroller? How will I nurse Casey with Holden running about? How how how?

9) I have less than 4 weeks to my due date. WTF.

10) Chris is definitely tipsy after the World Cup viewing. Totally not fair. Is he really mowing the lawn? Nice. MUI: mowing under the influence.

11) At the park and enjoying watching my son and his father play in the fountain. Wait, Did that guy really just let his two huge labs run into the park kid's splash fountain, drink the water, and shake their hair dirt and bugs all over the place? Yes he did. "That's freaking gross" did I say that aloud? Yeah I did. And wtf there is even a sign that says 'no pets allowed. Good work asshole. Time to take the boys home.

12) Grouchy boy, tired man. Feed them. Put the smallest to bed.

13) Why is my little gnome so upset??? This cry seems weird. It is either super tired or super pained. But the tone is one I don't recognize. Maybe it is both? It seems to be somewhat rhymthic in its undulations. Oh what if he ate something indigestible during the day and he's bleeding internally? What if it's just teeth? Teething drops, Orajel. Oh it worked. Thank you god for small favors.

14) It is Saturday night and I find myself itching to clean. Back is hurting. Do I really want to sweep and Wetjet? Why yes, yes I effin DO!

15) Is that a FLY on my glistening Swiffered floor? Oh hellllllll no. Why why why must summertime in Texas be full of such nasty pests just waiting to invade your home? Must kill.

16) Ouch. back. make sad face to appeal to male's protective instincts. There we go, there is that footrub.

17) Which is more of a bitch to put back on? The duvet or the Snoogle's pillowcase? Inquiring minds want to know.

18) Ahhh sweet bed. Sweet new book "Her Fearful Symmetry" given to me by sweet sister. And a sweet cuddle to watch "Shutter Island" otherwise affectionally known as "Shitter Island."

34 freaking days holy S*%T

2010-06-05T13:58:00.000-07:00

Kitchen painting: completed.
Casey letters: created and finished thanks to me! i think i like them even better than the letters i made for holden!
Bassinet: assembled (thank you Jaime!)
Crib: shipped (thank you Webers!)
Nursery and Master bedroom painting: Not begun
Double Stroller: Purchased (thank you McAloon's!)
Animals: Alive, sadly
Hospital Bag: Packed (with $100 of .99 travel accessories might I add wtf
Spree: Attained (THANK YOU ELLEN!)
Quote for the Nursery: "Listen to the mustn't, child, listen to the don'ts, listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts, listen to the never haves, then listen close to me anything can happen, child. Anything can be. ~ Shel Silverstein"
Baby's Progress: 34 days left. 0 dilation :( Low.
Holden: Dancing.

Love this expression

The inspiration for the tree Chris is painting in Casey's Nursery

Pensive before his shots. He never has to get chicken pox lucky goose!

Holden's first painting. He really took to it; it was amazing to watch him.

My lovely new journal inspired by Casey's decor. Gorgeous thick letter with little holes in it like tree trunk knots.

Letters and a sneak peek of the boy2 in my belly

Holden laughs at my huge tummy then tells me it's big!

His first taste of peanut butter, and he didn't even go into allergic arrest!

Wow wow wow 1 year old!

2010-05-15T19:54:00.000-07:00

So much has been going on! We just got back from North Carolina where Holden had an awesome time on his birthday and tomorrow the Webers come into town! I am 32 weeks pregnant, 5 weeks until full term. I can't effin believe it!

Will post pictures soon. There is really too much to talk about and I need to get to bed early tonight as I tend to toss and turn these days. Mr. Casey Finn is a rib-snuggler. Other than that he is quite the polite guest. Doesn't kick too much; not like my Bomber did (love you Bomb!). And measuring right on time. I can't wait to see Holden and Casey together. I think of it often with such joy and anticipation. I just know they will be the bestest of friends. And I know that I will be done being preggo for some time! At least, oh 1 year. ;)

For now, be content with my favorite new Bomb trick: he will say "yah" if you ask him a question. All casual-like. He is such a kisser too. And the last few weeks he is back to cuddle mode. He will go from exploring and climbing onto everything to wanting to just rest his head on my chest and cuddle. It is melty goodness. He will also say "no" and shake his head when I ask him if Mama likes cats. Another long story. Sigh. Shout out to Krysia's Madre for the adorable sloth Costa Rica onesie!

Boytastic

2010-04-19T21:02:00.000-07:00

Holden squealed and whined until Chris took him out to bask in the rain. He is such a mini-me. I got a Calvin Klein picture out of it. My boys are so beautiful.

Holden wears protective eyewear that Chris dons to change messy poo

And we had an awesome time at Aiden's 1st birthday party, where Chris played soccer with Holden and a little partygoer.

And Holden's first go at football (the real kind):

We Love Webers!

2010-04-11T19:18:00.000-07:00

The Webers came to visit while Chris was out of town this week to keep me company and help with the baby. I very much appreciate the consideration due to the expanding size of my belly and we had a totally bodacious time. Holden named Grandma "Apple" and Grandpa "Banana." We ate fondue, got pedicures (the ladies, at least), and spent way too much at Costco (for which Chris and I are eternally grateful thank yoooou). They leave tomorrow and we are all so sad:( It's hard getting used to having family around and that feeling of unity and community and then saying bye. But we will see them again soon so there are great thing to look forward to!

Holden continues to amaze us every day. He is almost a year old and the smartest, sweetest, most talkative little thing I've ever met. Today Chris and I played a game where we handed him an object then told him to bring it to dada (or mama) while in different rooms, and he would wheel his walker into the other room and hand the person the object! He brought me my sunglasses which rocked. Hahaha. He's so brilliant and so beautiful. He is the very sun. It is so hard to imagine loving another child as much, but I know it will happen. Today Chris and I toured the LnD at the local hospital in Cedar Park. It is small (only 4 labor rooms) but so homey and nice. We really liked it. Now for finding a dr that I like that delivers there. Yes, I am officially in my third trimester and still searching for a dr. Ugh. Hopefully this week that problem will be solved.

Holden and I have a gym membership and have been swimming almost every day! It is so nice to float around and he already starts kicking and trying to swim when in the water. I hold him so his belly is floating and he kicks right along! He loves the huge fountain mushroom:) It has been brilliant weather-wise here. We have been outside enjoying ourselves. It is maybe odd, but it is like I am experiencing the excitement of summertime and swimming and bbqs and all that as I did when I was a child. I have always prided myself on being able to maintain a childlike sense of wonder and perspective....but this is entirely different. It is truly the re-living of a pure sense of excitement, happiness, anticipation that I remember as a kid. I think it is obviously related to Holden and living life with him and Chris as our little protected family unit. And I think a large part is that I am fortunate to not have to work and have the dredging soul-sucking corporate politics involved in my life on a daily basis. Whatever it is I am breathlessly grateful for the lightness of my soul.

Oh, his 1-year-birthday. How I am so simultaneously proud and sad at the same time. We will be in the mountains with Grandparents McAloon. I can not wait to show him my waterfall that I named Baukie after my blanket as a kid and all the wonderful smells and sights!

We are thinking of naming our new boy Casey Finn. It basically means brave (casey) and fair or blonde (finn) in Irish. So right now that is our choice! We can't wait to meet our little man.

My beautiful man looks so grown up!

11 months!

2010-03-30T15:36:00.000-07:00

i can't believe my little boy will be a year old in a month. he's popped another tooth (his 7th) in celebration. as is his personality, i didn't even know he was teething until i saw the little whitecap.

here he is "blowing raspberries" on chris's tummy. chris blows raspberries on his tummy every night and he was out for revenge.

and cracking up at the fact that i sneezed simultaneously with him

5/13/09

2010-03-25T23:11:00.001-07:00

can't sleep. looking back on old pictures. this one just really struck me as so beautiful. and scary...oh the exhaustion! still, i can't can't wait.

Sickness

2010-03-14T17:26:00.000-07:00

Holden got his first fever! Scare my hair! Seems it was just Roseola- a kind of virus in the herpes family ewwww! Must have picked it up during his first train ride. Or from that questionable lady Rosie down the block.

He has head-to-toe rash of the non-itch variety:

But you wouldn't know. My little champ just smiles and cuddles hardcore! Here he is in his bath tonight cracking up at my spitting his toys out at him like a dragon.

33 Years On This Rock and The Boy's First Haircut

2010-02-08T09:12:00.001-08:00

My little boy was shorn while I slept! On Saturday Chris got up with the baby and I snoozed in to my heart's content. Upon waking I discovered that my 9-month-old had been replaced by a 2-year-old! Or so it appeared with his newly cropped do. I cried...there wasn't even any warning!

Then on Sunday thebestmanintheworld turned 33 years! Unfortunately he had to leave the next day (today) to restart his traveling regimen that has been stalled for nearly 3 months (we got spoiled). So we spent most of his birthday getting things done. But we did manage to watch some music videos and play with one of Chris's new presents:

I got him the Crayola Glow Dome. He drew The Edge a la U2 fame(or "the coolest person in the world" according to Chris) on the inside panel and on the outside orb that spins he penned the lyrics to "All I Want is You" and said that's what he'd give me if he knew me in high school. I thought it was even better than the best mixtape. I also got him an X-Men t-shirt and and Ipod Touch (affectionally known as "The Fondle"). But that last gift was on order so he has to wait for it. I even got to engrave it for free! He is super excited about his return on Friday not only to see us, but to play with his new fancy gadget. I also made him a shitty banana cake.

So the schedule is that Chris returns Friday from Little Rock, AR. Then I leave Sunday for Florida for a week while he is in Houston. I can't wait to show Holden the ocean, but I wish I could bring Chris with us to watch Holden watch his first seagulls.

If you're reading this, Rappongi...I love you you old man.

My First Baby Purchase

2010-02-05T19:01:00.001-08:00

Ok so it is a double-sided coin of sorts that this new baby is the same gender as the last because it means that while we will have all the clothes we need, it also means we have all the clothes we need. I want to get the little one new stuff! And let me tell you little boy clothes just melt me. I love the sleepy blues and bright reds. Tonight at Babies R Us whilst spending ridiculous amounts of money on diapers (yeah, I wish I had the steel countenance to use cloth and be a-ok throwing crap into my washing machine but I don't and besides it's proven that the cloth is, pardon the pun, shittier for the environment) I managed to sneak in a few baby purchases amidst Holden's things.

To anyone reading this (does anyone read this? lol) who is expecting a baby or hopes to be in the future....GET THESE GOWNS:

They come in a lot of different styles and companies, I just happened to like the peace signs and alphabet soup. Anyway newborns look so freaking cute in them, particularly boys because they are sorta like little monk robes or unexpected dresses. And they have the hand/claw covers attached to the sleeves. It cuts down on the time you spend during those late night changes. You just pull up, do the biz, pull down. Fumbling with snaps in the middle of the night is such a pain. As a second resort get the zip up feetie pajamas. but these are the best. Ok yeah I am totally geeking out.

My little boy is so beautiful. He is really becoming a little toddler. He is so good at standing up nearly on his own or with barely leaning on furniture. He talks in some alien tongue which means he's trying to emulate our language. And he is such fun to be around. His real features are emerging now. And he totally has his father's perfect male jawline and elven nose. The cleft chin is his own. He's a total heartbreaker.

And my tummy almost halfway along. Everyone says you look huge really fast with the second but so far I feel bigger than I did with Holden but not too awful:

I think I am lucky in that I carry them high. But the game isn't over yet.

Baby 2010

2010-02-05T13:00:00.001-08:00

I absolutely can not in a million years believe this was ever my little Holden:

This was during his first checkup before his first bath. Maybe 30 mins after being born. They start with the baby torture right away. Chris filmed this, apparently unaware that "I Want Your Sex" by George Michael was playing during Holden's first sponge bath. Listen for it. Just evidence that he's going to be trouble when he's a teen. I missed these firsts, given that my nether regions were being spliced back together and then I was dumped off in an empty room with nothing but the Tyra Banks show to keep me company while I waited for my baby and his father to return to me once more. I remember that being that most surreal feeling. Such indescribable exhaustion after being in labor for 14 hours, delivering a baby, and then abandoned to an empty room with nothing but some weird talk show. The world had changed forever.

And now once again, I prepare for yet another upheaval, a shapeshift into an even more beautiful form than that which my life has taken...

We are giving Holden a little brother.

Not only will he have a little brother. But he will have a little brother who is so near in age to him (15 months) that for all intents and purposes he will have a twin. A partner and friend in life forever. Someone to comfort him and for him to comfort when his parents have long since passed from this earth. Bunk beds, fireflies in jars, camping, capture the flag, whispered ghost stories long after lights are out, bikes, silly dances and video game cheat codes, to name a few.

It makes me weep with joy to even think of it. To think of welcoming a new soul into our home. To have an itty bitty infant again who is so helpless so tiny yet so microcosmically perfect in every possible way. I look back on those pictures and videos of Holden's first days and weeks on this planet and I think of how tired I was. How I moved as if swimming through thick air. How then, having had no reference point, I thought it would forever be like this.

And now I realize that during the sleepless nights to come, the endless diapers, cries you hear in your sleep, I will know deep down that this time is ephemeral and dear. Not only that, but I will have Holden there to share Chris and I's joy and love with.

It makes me so happy to think that he will never remember not having had his brother. It will have been to him as if his sibling was always there, always sharing his world. Jealousy about "the baby" will not exist.

And here he is, in all his beautiful 7 ounce, 5 inch form. 18 weeks along. Nearly halfway. And he already is the most captivating, peaceful creature ever to be. And he looks like his big brother. So he lucked out.

Right now our favorite contender for a name is Finn. Not only is it just a cool name, but if you review back a few blogs you will see that Huckleberry Finn was the book I was reading early in my pregnancy, maybe before I even knew I was pregnant. And I spent so much time daydreaming about my children being able to live a life like that: wild, untamed, in touch with nature, fully exploring the world and their imaginations. The fact that it is a book about boys is just a nice bonus. The fact that it is a literary reference and a famous boy protagonist is perfect with Holden. And then there is the fact that it is an Irish name based on an Irish hero who was a real-life Robin Hood makes it even more appropriate. Plus, it just kind of looks like him.

We are a blessed family. I can not wait to see our boys playing together. Hell, to be able to say "the boys." Holden is going to just be the most amazing older brother. And Chris is going to be able to put two more men on this earth who in his likeness are kind, gorgeous, smart, creative, and respectful.

Love, The Happy Mama M.

my beautiful boy

2010-01-29T20:39:00.001-08:00

Still Life with Jungle

2010-01-28T20:16:00.000-08:00

Chris and Holden strawfighting at Olive Garden. Holden got a little kiddie cup with straw. Which I think delighted me even more than him. I've always legitimately wanted a kiddie cup!

Holden's grandma/elton john chimera

My little sick boy with a cold

Sometimes I look at what's going on and realize if this were an adult in the exact scene there would be major drugs involved....but with a kid it's just adorably heartbreaking

Holden got new clothes. Holden-1 Mom- 0

New Gap overalls from Dad

Holden shows off his inherited one-random-tear-in-eye superpowers he inherited from me

I love dressing Holden as mini-Chris

Miette has warmed up to the little man

And Holden shows his reciprocal love with his MietteHotdog shirt

We went to Burnet to shop and go to the cutest teahouse ever with Auntie Alicia!

Charming the ladies with his dancing at the tea house:

More mini-chris con Whiskey drool

My little train conductor

An epic inkblot blowout

Holden at the Dr's office today. She couldn't stop commented on how calmly he watched her and how joyful he was even when she was sticking things in his ear to make sure he didn't have an ear infection! He doesn't, just a cold.

Holden at fake beach

Will post videos tomorrow. Exhausted.

Dancey Pants

2010-01-11T10:53:00.000-08:00

So far his moves are mainly cockatoo...

En-giz-aged

2010-01-09T11:51:00.000-08:00

Holden's mama and papa are making a decent baby outta him. Chris proposed to me on Christmas Eve and it was the most special thing ever to happen to me, next to little one's arrival.

Holden is so excited he has learned to dance in practice for the big day. Let's hope he perfects his moves before then:

The Big 3-0

2009-12-06T18:25:00.000-08:00

Yup. I am 30 years old. Wow. It feels so weird to say aloud, given that for 10 years my age has been twenty-something. But other than that I am quite excited about the start of a new decade full of love, life, and endless opportunities.

Having my first birthday with my new little family was so tenderly special I could barely contain myself in each moment. Holden- aside from his obstinance at wishing me a happy birthday despite my best cajoling- was so joyful and excited it was as if he knew something great was going on. We all went caroling downtown and we got to see Alicia, Andrew, Stacey, Tiffs to name a few, and Holden took in the downtown scene with awe and calm. Standing at the beautiful Capitol steps singing amidst 1000 of Austin's finest (and whitest lol), there was such a nice feeling of togetherness and public peace that it a rare find these days. Afterwards Alicia watched H-Bomb for my birthday gift and Chris and I went to Melting Pot and had yumz. Whenever we go there we get treated like royalty, apparently there is some notation in our file that says we are best friends with the owners due to my working with her at one point, so we always get special treatment and free stuff. We had a private little booth in the back, and the waiter looked so much like my dear friend Ethan and was so fun (We talked for 20 mins about old video game systems) that it really couldn't have gone much better. We got home and gave Alicia our dessert because we could not finish it, and I opened my presents before bed.

All my presents were thoughtful, but Chris's as always took the cake. He always manages to give me the perfect gift for the perfect time in my life. This time he got me a record player that you can connect to badass speakers and the computer to convert old records to mp3s and CDs. I had mentioned a long time ago how fun it would be to have a record player (The sound is sooo much better than cd/mp3 quality and the artwork is so nice) and go to the used record stores with Holden and pick out albums to try out. He remembered this and centered all my gifts around a music theme- also picking out three records spanning important times of my life (The Doors, The National and Radiohead Kid A) and a painting he got from a local gallery from an Austin artist who does paintings of cult figures. He got me most gorgeous painting of Kurt Cobain on stage with angel wings. Portions of it glow when the lights are out. It is now in our living room next to our Christmas tree. He told me that even though 30 is young, if I ever felt worried about getting too aged I will always have my music to keep me young. Today we went to Half-Price books and bought used records of Yeats reading Yeats, Hits of the 1720s hahaha, and Old Peter Green Fleetwood Mac. I also got a new Anne Tyler book (top 5 fav writer) and Huckleberry Finn. I think in high school I was assigned to read HF but skimmed through it annoyed by the dialect. Chris and I recently watched a wonderful movie (suggested by my dad) called "Away We Go" and the father-to-be in the movie said he wanted his child to live in a place with land and open space and feel overwhelmed with nature infused with wildness like Huck Finn (or something along those lines). I 100% agree with this desire so figured I would check out the book to see if I can unroot a newfound appreciation for it. When we got home we hooked up the record player to the TV and even despite the standard-issue TV speakers it sounded 1000 times clearer than a CD. And there was the occasional pop that I love.

My new painting

Holden wanted a Santa beard

Proud dad and cherub boy

Eating his taters like a good Irishman

Listening to Daddy at the coffee house

Kelly and Alicia (Holden's love)

Cruising downtown in sling

Are they caroling for me Daddy?!

Watching street musicians

Our glorious tree

It snowed on 12/4, the gods were a day off but i'll forgive them

And video of snow...I was so excited I nearly cried that my little boy got to see snow fall in his backyard on his first holiday season on earth. And onto New Mexico we go!

I am so thankful to have the love and support that I do in my life. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world that I have the most wonderful man, happiest most beautiful baby on the planet, great family and friends, and the physical and mental strength to accomplish any goal I want- all at the young age of 30! Not many people are able to have the luxury of being so close to their little one that they actually notice the first time that a stroking of his back raises goosebumps, but I am indeed that lucky and each day I think of that and send a breathless thank you to the universe.

I am so excited to see what the next decade holds for our family, for our individual goals and pursuits, and hopefully for the world at large.

Love,

Kelly with a bowl fulla jelly

It might snow today!

2009-12-04T06:34:00.001-08:00

I am so hoping it snows into midnight to welcome my new decade.

Some new vids...Bad Daddy feeding Holden a bit of ice cream:

And Funky Sprout who jumps on moving cars and then can't see me through the windshield...sigh

The 5 Minutes of Giggles Today!

2009-12-01T20:27:00.000-08:00

It is raining and cold and the boy and I are going stir-crazy! He has been grouchy but we managed a few moments of enjoyment taking out all the toys and the blue ball.

Saturday's All Right for Fighting (with yer monkey)

2009-11-28T10:30:00.001-08:00

Walking with Da

2009-11-27T11:33:00.000-08:00

Music Hour: Aphex Twin "Alberto Balsam"

2009-11-20T12:13:00.001-08:00

Tired tired tired

2009-11-18T20:43:00.000-08:00

Bone crunching tired. In the process of making tea I placed my coffee cup into the microwave in an attempt to boil water for the tea. Afterward I realized I had forgotten to place water into the cup prior to putting it into the microwave.

Met up with some 2009 mamas today. Holden studied the babies scientifically trying to figure out what they were. I pointed out that he was also small. He just scowled at me.

At Target I made a kindly shopper crack up when I scolded Holden for "grunting at the nice people" picking out Hamburger Helper.

The kid's got four teeth now. Four. They all popped through at once and he didn't so much make one peep of complaint. Holy god I am lucky.

Goodnight world.

HOLY CRAP

2009-11-15T13:22:00.000-08:00

This is seriously the funniest thing I have ever seen...Holden dancing to Cannibal Corpse for Uncle Ward. Enjoy!

Swinging and Watching Himself Swinging

2009-11-12T12:25:00.000-08:00

Holden Swinging at the Park Today:

Then later watching himself swinging:

Bomb Bomb a ran!

2009-11-11T15:55:00.000-08:00

Bomb's song.

He has two teeth poking through! Got top ones first...always gotta be different.

Holden's New Favorite Song

2009-11-08T12:57:00.000-08:00

I am not sure how exactly I discovered this...but the second I sing this song to him when he's having a fit he quiets and listens intently. Maybe it's his love of animals? I love how appropriately soulfully stressed he appears in this.

Mmmm New Books

2009-11-07T14:42:00.001-08:00

Holden acquired some awesome books: a monster book with texture (he loves to scratch everything) and a plush "Are You My Mother" book with an attached itty bitty bird on a string that you place in 3d settings in the book. He loves this last book the most- particularly because he can eat it. Here is some video of me smacking him in the face with the bird:

When the first baby laughed for the first time, The laugh broke into a thousand pieces and they all went skipping about, And that was the beginning of

2009-11-03T17:10:00.000-08:00

fairies.

-Sir James Matthews Barrie

Onion's new mini-game is following us when we go for walks. There were movers that were absolutely stunned by the sight of the bee-chihuahua and the dog-cat on our walk today. It rocked.

My Festive Boy with Reindeer Feets:

Halloweenie:

Angry Toad knocked of road in Mario Kart

Twilight Zone door. We thought maybe this was a bit scary for kids but whatever.

Blair Witch symbols we made from our trees.

Chihuahua-Bee Abomination

Somehow he makes the toad hat look good

Sproutkin

Yoshi and Toad

Best picture ever

So come on and cry cry babbbbbaaiiiiyyyah

2009-10-25T22:16:00.000-07:00

Holden and I had the pleasure of meeting dearest Tams and Tiffs for lunch at the arboretum today. Holden enjoyed being around the pretty ladies and gave quite a few flirty grins. It was great to see them and have some girl time. I have to say that Tammany did great as a surrogate mama, and even looks beatific when soothing the crying Bomb:

He was sorta a little shit today on our walk. Blech. Don't even want to go there. Suffice it to say that I was cursing Chris's name for being states away while I contended with a screaming 20 lber in one hand while pushing a 33 lb stroller with the other for a half mile. Sound difficult? Try that with judging strangers and a tank top a bit too big drooping as you go along. Yah...he was perfect the whole way up, and he was horrific the whole way back. If ever I've been close to a nervous breakdown that would be it.

One day hugging him won't always be the immediate solution to his woes and this I try to hold dear.

One day Chris won't have to travel so much. This I can not wait for.

Goodnight all of you out there in tv land.

Zooropa

2009-10-23T19:56:00.000-07:00

Chris was actually able to come home for a few days and break up his trip! During his "visit to Austin" we found Holden a Nintendo Toad Costume and a nerdy Yoshi for me. So excited! Chris also had the awesome idea to use the branches we cut from our trees to make Blair Witch sticks. So going to do that manana and make some yummy fall tea courtesy of Chef Jaime. Speaking of chef, I made Holden green beans AND we made our own sun dried tomato pesto. I used it for our amazing chicken dish and it is exceptional. I don't know what is going on with our grill though, every time I light it a huge flame shoots out at it and heads straight for my hair. I have yet to experience corporeal flamage from it but it is some scary biz.

Holden and I went to the zoo yesterday. He seemed to be fascinated by the goats...who wouldn't be fascinated by creatures with devil eyes that eat fences?

I also remembered how to say "hello" in prairie dog from my time as a prairie dog keeper, much to the delight of the little ground-dwellers at the zoo:

We saw some awesome signage:

And a newly erected memorial at the exact spot where Chris and I witnessed a full-on chicken orgy last trip to the zoo:

That had me in stitches. I also saw a baby peacock for the first time...it was brown and stringy. I pointed it out to a little nearby boy with blonde curls just like I hope my baby will have and he ran for it. Oops.

Today Uncle Andrew and H-bomb and I went to Town Lake and walked. After yesterday's lugging of our crappy stroller through mud and having to continually pick it up, and today's broken back carrying him in the sling during our walk, I have determined I am going to need a jogging stroller. I go outdoors too often and the baby is too heavy to have just the slapstick stroller and the sling in my back o' tricks.

Later I pretended to crush my little chubbo and he of course loved it!

I love seeing him hang out in just his dipe sometimes. Just amazing to see such a perfectly miniature body.

Oh and for those people just itching to buy gifts for the most perfect creature in the world, I have started Holden his own Wish List. More like a tally of things I would like to get for him in the future but whateva!

I will take some pics of the Blair Witch Sticks. Also started writing a kid's Halloween book called "Holden and the Haunted Hullabaloo." :)

Very Superstitious Writings on the Wall

2009-10-18T13:25:00.000-07:00

Holden and I are deep in the midst of Halloween festivities. It has been so lovely out lately...in the 60s and that deep Weber-eye blue

you see only in Texas (or parts of NM;). Speaking of NM...Chris, Holden and I had the most amazing time ever in Ruidoso! The parents all got along, Chris and I got to lounge in the jacuzzi and drink Jack Daniels indiscriminately, and we also got an entire solo day/night date in Santa Fe! Which is incredible, btw. The colors, adobe, and way the sunlight falls on all of it is breathtaking. A few days after we got back Holden got a new cousin! Baby Connor was born 10/4 and Holden won't shut up about meeting him!

Chris left on Friday for 12 days. 12 PEOPLE! That is insane. Poor man will be basically gone until December. Bomb and I were sad but being the strong little pack we are decided to make the day nice and went to the park and walked. Afterwards we sat amidst the trees and ate carrots:

Carrots are by far Holden's favorite food yet. They make his poo biohazard orange, however.

We also read some spooky tales:

And the boy played with his new favorite toy (he's starting to love things with wheels let the boydom commence)

Yesterday I managed to complete my 3000 loads of laundry and Holden made me misty-eyed as I watched him figuring out water displacement. He would pick up the scoopy toy, fill with water then dump it out. Seems simple but it's a pretty advanced concept. He also is really really trying to crawl. He gets up with his arms straight then tries to wiggle his legs to move.

I use the animals as bait. He just loves the animals, second to his ma and pa of course. I also made some ridiculously good brownies and we took at drive to Nameless, TX.

"Settled in 1869, the citizens of the fledgling committee ran up against the postal authorities in Washington. No one recalls what names were submitted, but they were rejected six times. The expressed their frustration by writing back (which may have been just what the buereaucrats wanted) "Let the post office be nameless and be damned!"

The postal authorities had a laugh - and then granted their wish. The post office was registered as Nameless, Texas in 1880. The community had fifty people, two churches, a store and school in the mid-1850s. "

They had a Nameless Cemetery and other cute little stores. It was along a gorgeous hill country road. There was a scary truck behind me so I thought maybe I wasn't allowed in their bitter town and was being chased, but I escaped. I tried to enter into Nameless Cemetery to see some of the names there but it was locked up behind a gate and a beautiful stream:

Though the whole cemetery thing did serve a purpose for my next Halloween adventure: visiting a cemetery and finding a lonely deflowered grave to give a sunflower to. So today Holden and I went to Oak Grove Cemetery on Spicewood Springs Rd. This is by far on my top 5 favorite roads in Austin. It is such a gorgeous stretch of winding road flanked by horse farms and beautiful old houses. It was actually a beautiful place. It was right alongside the spring/creek which was raging from the rains and there was a ton of wildlife. I can't say I have seen so much concentrated wildlife in all my time in Texas. Usually it's pretty sparse. I don't know if it was the bodies all pushing up daisies or just that there is such peace and nature there, but I saw a huge deer run through, tons of butterflies and dragonflies, and the weirdest of all....a bunch of salamander-like lizards! I never see lizards here, and if I do happen upon one they are those huge desert lizards with the thick tails. These were slick and cute. There was supposedly a Tuttle buried somewhere in there, which is a name associated with a fictional grandmother Stacey and I created, but I couldn't find them. Every single grave was decorate ornately with heartfelt and weird little Texas additions, like cowboy hats and this outhouse!

Creepy enh? I gave a flower to the only undecorated stone I could find...I didn't realize until later that there was no death date so the person is probably still alive! So then I felt bad like I was all like kick the bucket Vera Lue!

The graves all had fresh dirt on top of them. This really really really creeped me out. Total Thriller flashbacks. I kept expecting a hand to pop through.

So that might have been why I was hasty in placing my flower! However, I did try to take a moment to be reverent and reflect on life and all that jazz. Holden was naturally curious and looking about quietly and observing. We sat on a bench while cars drove by with weirded out looky-lous and I told him that one day he was going to ask me about what happens when we die and hopefully I will have a belief at that point that resonates with me other than just the vague "heaven" most parents give their kids. I told him life was short and oftentimes difficult but it is also beautiful and fraught with love. I promised to be good to him my entire life. I also assured him that his generation would solve the problem of death so he doesn't have to worry about it. It's so odd, I remember being pregnant with him and marveling that even though he wasn't yet born he already had a ticking heart and thus an expiration date. This probably all sounds a bit macabre but I try to view life and its cycle as miraculous in its temporal fragility, and I think its wrong to conducts one's life in a blind, unappreciative manner.

In addition to the fresh dirt, (which I was thinking was to keep the bodies underground despite all the rain and flooding we've had!) there was a mess of castaway flowers and toys outside the chained link fence surrounding the cemetery.

It made me sad.

Anyway, it was an odd combination of a peaceful yet creepy as hell place. I have an overly active imagination...and it didn't help that on the way home I heard "Where Do Bad Folks Go When They Die" covered by Nirvana and "Superstitious" by Stevie Wonder on the radio! Haha. Grr. Maybe I need to use a smudge stick and cleanse any spirits that may have piggybacked home like in the Haunted Mansion in Disney World:) It is quite interesting though how cemeteries are everywhere and commonplace but just going into one can kind of alter your reality a bit and throw you off kilter. Which might not be a bad thing.

Anyway, as you can see Halloween is in full swing around these parts. We have some glowing peeping eyes in the front bushes. I can't wait to carve a jack o lantern. Haha oh that reminds me so much of Ellen but I won't explain why. Oh Ellen how I miss thee!

Later in the day we were playing and he was grabbing for the towel and then going ROOOOAR like a dinosaur and attacking it and trying to eat it. It might be one of the cutest things I've ever experienced...

Kelly aka Kelvira

Where to Start

2009-10-16T17:43:00.001-07:00

Wow I have not updated in a while and therefore have no information about our New Mexico trip or Ellen's visit or nuthin! I need to remedy that. First, though...video I captured of the Bomb in his new walker. I caught him figuring out that it moves! So far backwards is the way he rolls but whatever works!

Halloweeniee is coming!

2009-10-02T10:38:00.000-07:00

Check out this entry

And now a year later:

I can't believe it's been a year since I bought this outfit, that I actually managed to hold onto it without it going the way of socks, and that the baby who wears it is so spectacularly gorgeous of a creature that he even looks good in orange. He is more than I ever could have imagined when I tenderly wondered about the life to come when seeing this outfit a year ago.

On this fall-ish day, spending the morning sitting on the porch with Holden in his "I Love Mummy" onesie, I am filled with such excitement for the holidays, for the things to come, for this moment as it is. I am so excited to make cider and decorate our house and dress up our beautiful baby and hand out candy to the little ones.

Hiiii!

2009-09-17T13:14:00.000-07:00

I caught a few rough hi's on vid! please excuse camera work, i wasn't looking through the lens and ended up filming last night's dishes instead of the baby for the most part. whoops on both counts!

Sprout Tickles Holden's Tummy

2009-09-17T11:07:00.000-07:00

The Boy Speaks!

2009-09-16T15:08:00.000-07:00

HOLDEN SAID HIS FIRST WORD!!! AT 4.5 MONTHS!!!!

What an utter genius. He has been babbling and trying different tones but today he was definitely repeating "HI!" to me. Courtney verified that it was indeed a real word and I trust her because she's heard first words from three little ones! I was so excited I was crying little tears and my heart was racing like I was being chased but by something wonderful.

Today has just been so fun. Holden is such a happy, smart baby. I feel so lucky to have him in my life. I just wish that Daddy was around this week to hang with us...but vacation starts Saturday and I can not wait to see both sets of Grandparents AND have a couple of days sans baby with Chris in NM! Some Vids of the day (I will try to get him saying HI and post that too):

Holden in his Lab with cameo by Bug Man:

Here he is laughing at me and I got a bit of him repeating words to me but it's not the HI of which I speak...

And later we played with Miette and Holden got a total kick out of her crazy butt (love how she tries to get her hotdog to hump her):

it dont mean a thing if it aint got that swing

2009-09-14T13:46:00.000-07:00

holden took his first swing at the park! he barely cleared the seat but he enjoyed it! :)

he also had a lot to say later about either the taste of bananas or his father being out of town...he's trying so hard to talk it makes me so proud but sad bc i bet it is frustrating!

sleeping angel

2009-09-04T13:03:00.000-07:00

Holy Guacamole!

2009-09-01T19:06:00.000-07:00

So the Bomb has had rice cereal for 2 months now, but that is not real food...more like bland mush. We got the hell yeah from the ped to give him fruits and veggies and so naturally we started him on Chris's fav...avocado! It is a good first food...nutritious and low risk of allergies. Although according to Rita it will turn his poo flourescent green, so we shall see if there is a lovely surprise in store in the AM.

Overall the avocado was a huge success! It was amazing to watch the range of expressions on his little face...surprise, uncertainty, enjoyment, excitment. He has been eyeing our "real person food" enviously for a while now so he was certainly ready for it. It was awesome how quickly he wanted to grab at the spoon and the excited little coos he made (the same one he makes when he looks at his hot girlfriend: the Sears Portrait model baby).

Enjoy!

First bites

Excited coos and daddy bites

Array of expressions (you'll notice we forgot the bib haha):

Shock

Uncertainty

Goofin

Post-avocado accomplished

Happiness and yumz

Fascination Street

2009-09-01T17:05:00.000-07:00

So apparently my preggo hormones are officially gone (which Chris should be happy about) because I am shedding all over the place. It is worse than the cats...hair adorns the floor, couch, pillows, fans, clothes, everything. I just hope it stops before I need a weave.

I started looking back through old pics and video today and found some from the day of the birth that I haven't seen in so long, or at all. I uploaded a bunch of my things right after I got home from the hospital and didn't really have time to absorb them in the haze of new parenthood. So looking back on them now, 4 months later, is a pure nostalgic (bittersweet) delicacy. I can't believe that my little boy is 4 months old. In a blink he will be going to his first day of school, slamming the door because I don't let him see his girlfriend one Saturday night. Sigh.

I found this video, that Chris took right after our baby was born...in awe and sniffles. It made me cry all anew:

and photos:

Me getting some real contractions

Chris after Tammany came to visit us, bringing Chris sustenance to motor on.

Me and Tammany. Yes, that was post-epidural

Holden and his grapefruit brain. He is still mad about that squeeze, ask Chris.

It's amazing to me that he never looked smushy and alien even right after birth.

My strapping lad.

Ok I need to stop I am getting all maudlin. Blah!

4-Month's Strong

2009-09-01T15:05:00.000-07:00

Well da Tode has officially thrived to the 4-month mark and his parents are still breathing. Holden had an awesome doctor's visit- the doctor said he was perfect- and reacted ok to his shots aside from a touch of the grumps for the day. I was a bit annoyed at the fact that they were going to give him his "second" HEP B shot, due to the fact that he already had two...one at the hospital and one at his 2 month visit. They had somehow not referenced their paperwork correctly and thought he had not received a shot at the hospital. How me, a weary mother who just endured a 12-hour labor, remembers this and they don't is beyond me. But I managed to save the little one from an extra dose he did not need.

Today we had a fun day exploring a new place in Austin- the nature center. And we also got some yumz Torchy's Tacos and brought Daddy surprise queso and tacos for lunch.

A creek you can walk and splash in at the Nature Center. Bit too advanced for the Bomb right now.

There is a preschool housed in a cottage from the 1800s! It is beautiful stuff of fairy tales.

Scary tree

Apparently our house is also a wildlife habitat...

Mommy and crabass after shots

H-Bomb's motor skillz are off the chain. He particularly is interested in mastering the holding of his bottle, little hosser.

Such great things coming up including vackay in NM and CA, a new cuz, and a visit from Godmother Ellen!

Mamaloon

The Difference of a Year

2009-08-22T20:24:00.001-07:00

Today marks a year to the day that life went from this (sprout's pregnancy, that is):

to this:

Chris and I honored this day- that was remarkably cool compared to the typical 104+ nightmares of late- with a lunch outside with our little man. We got some subs and ate at the little grassy knoll of the arboretum. I recalled eating there a few weeks after I found out I was pregnant, and telling Andrew about the news, still in complete disbelief at the words "I'm pregnant" mumbling from my awkward lips. Then afterwards Andrew and I had gone to Barnes and Noble and looked up baby names in books. I remember we sat in the kid's section and I watched children playing, so nervous and excited about the unknown to come.

Today Chris and I also wandered over to the BNN after lunch, only this time we wheeled a stroller carrying our bright-blue-eyed boy, who smiled and babbled to us as he watched all the new sights to be seen.

We got a book on starting a small business...our minds are ticking with creative energy. More on that later. Gotta keep some suspense. And Chris also purchased another book by Iain Banks, whose books he has been tearing through like a 13-year-old Kelly tearing through The Babysitter's Club series.

It is maudlin and expected that a one-year anniversary would cause a person to reflect but I did it anyway and so will do it here. I can't help but marvel at how different my life is today versus this day last year when I happened upon the sign of our little boy. I feel so very lucky that this morning I awoke to the most perfect little being chatting with the animals on his mobile, and that his father, my great love, got up to feed and play with him and then brought him to me in our cozy bed inside our own home. We all laid down and I read them stories, their two similar faces, one big one small, side by side and enraptured by my fumbling attempts at a Mexican accent.

Then we all napped with the little one in the middle like puppies flopped across one another.

Later we went to the city's new rec center and I walked around the track with the boy strapped to me and Chris did the machines. The track is elevated above basketball courts and there are tons of lights and windows. It totally entranced the boy. He is a heavy load though and I had to move fast to keep the grannies from lapping me. Something about the windows and the track lines is sorta zen though haha:

Bad picture...blurry.

Today at lunch I was overcome with a sense of wellbeing and rightness and out streamed my excitement about our future. That if god willing and nothing goes totally out of whack, there are such incredible things to come, on top of the incredible gifts we already possess.

This blog has been in existence for nearly a year as well...and I am tempted to go back and re-read everything tonight in honor of this day. But I most likely will get some reading done and head to bed so I can be alert for tomorrow (which actually will kinda suck since we selected tomorrow to do deep cleaning).

I am so excited to see what awaits us this next year to come: dressing up HC and handing out candy for Halloween, watching him on his first Christmas, crawling and walking, personal ventures and goals, kisses and hugs and goodness all around.

My Brilliant Musical Prodigy

2009-08-12T13:38:00.001-07:00

Practicing his letters and pitches at 3 months....brilliant thing.

Fast Times

2009-08-01T17:05:00.001-07:00

I can not believe the Hulk is 13 weeks old! He is such a little character now. I have to say that I am loving this age. He is yet to be able to run and wreck havoc but is completely alert and engaged. Chris and I and H-bomb went to see Up. It was so so so so good. We cried like babies in the first 10 mins. I recommend this movie to everyone; it is definitely not just a kid flick. We also gave Holden his first taste of something other than milk and rice cereal...we rubbed a pickle across his lips at lunch. He stuck out a tentative tongue, promptly scrunched up his face, widened his eyes, and screamed bloody murder. Apparently he is not a big fan of pickles, but it definitely amused his father and I.

Oh and I got the cutest shoes EVER! I love the little cloud animals! It was very fitting too because the short in the beginning of Up involved an angry little cloud.

It was a very nice day back after Chris's trip to Cali. Next weekend we go to the coast with Bomber to see Lesley and her family. It will be awesome to be on a boat and Holden gets a little mini lifejacket.

I will try to write in here more...I have been totally slackin.

Oh the summer nights

2009-07-15T18:46:00.000-07:00

I find myself updating my blog less and less these days and to my loyal readers (i know there are three, Tams Ellen and Ethan!), I apologize! I tend to upload H-Bomb pictures to Facebook because it allows you to upload multiple pictures at once, and I rarely have the time or patience to do it one at a time as is required here.

Right now though I am experiencing a rare moment of solitude and I decided to come write in here because writing always makes me feel fantastic. Chris took Holden to the market to get fixins for our dinner tonight, so I am sitting on the patio with a glass of wine, alternating between writing in the blog and chatting with my fav Rita. The cicadas are a nostaglic summer cacophony. Things are peaceful and I feel very grateful to be experiencing a summer with our new boy in our new house. It is sweltering these days but somehow the heat adds to the ambience of this time in our lives. Sort of a stark extreme of this season of our lives. And we have a barbeque thanks to Rita and David! Holden's Keep- our own bed and breakfast- is complete.

Out of necessity and also languishment, we spend a great deal of our time living in the present moment and this is a good thing. Still we find ourselves pondering the planning of our futures. Namely, when to craft a sibling for Holden, the pros and cons, with the main considerations being my loving being a mother and also wanting to continue working in not too far of the future. We also want the kids close in age. There are obvious pros and obvious cons, but all of it is umbrelled under an intense love for one another and a joyous appreciation for our little man. He is just such an incredible, laughing, squealing little bundle of goofiness and beauty. I'd love another exactly like him. I love that he's just a perfect combination of Chris and I and that at certain angles he is all McAloon and at others all Weber. But I'd also love a little girly considering how outnumbered I am by testosterone. In all honesty an ideal lineup would be boy-boy-girl. I just never have seen a brother relationship where the boys are close in age. I'd love to see that sort of camraderie...but maybe I've watched a bit too much "A River Runs Through It." Hm.

Things are going great and Chris is in town for another two weeks then we go on the boat and Beach with Lesley and her gorgeous little family. Then McAloons are coming to visit and hopefully my siss-piss too!

Mama Kelly

Oh good lord Mom why?!

2009-07-09T00:14:00.000-07:00

Holden got his 2-month shots today. He was such a good boy the entire time. He was smiling and cooing and dancing. Showing his immense devotion for me with intense soul gazes. The doctor said he is doing perfectly and to not change anything, though he is following his father's baby pattern of doubling his birth weight in two months instead of the usual four. He is 13 lbs, 8 oz. Big boy!

After the doctor left the evil nurse came in. I held his hands and put my face up close to stare into his eyes and then WHAM. He turned eggplant in a nanonsecond. He was so freaking shocked at this sudden violation that he opened his mouth into the scream of his life, was so overcome with rage and despair, that nothing came out of his mouth. Just an eggplant face with an open mouth and balled up fists. Then he worked that out and let loose the sonic hounds of hell. Poor little man. But he was so sweet, I held him to my chest and told him what a brave boy he was and he calmed quickly and just sniffled. We don't have to go back for another 2 months thank goodness.

Daddy has been away in Houston since Monday but he returns tomorrow. We can't wait to see him and get some much deserved snuggles.

Holden in happier times. Chris and Holden and I made up a song on the keyboard and recorded it. Holden likes to dance to it in his Purple Rain chair but gets frustrated when he can't reach forward to grab his feet (which is his new favorite game):

And showing off his Sunrise Special:

RIP MJ

2009-06-25T16:34:00.001-07:00

Michael Jackson died. This is pretty much the musical equivalent to JFK's death for our generation. I am surprisingly very sad about this. Holden is crushed; MJ was his favorite artist. I remember when he was in my belly and I would play "Wanna be startin' something" and he would swirl and sway to the music. With so much conflict and injustice happening in Iran it is a bit confusing to wrap my mind around how devastated our country is by MJ's death. Wise Stacey said that sometimes grief can comprise more than just the particular event that was the catalyst for the grief itself. Regardless, it is certainly more poignant to me and I will admit that. I remember being a kid and being terrified of Thriller because in the video he turns to his date at the end and has glowing yellow zombie eyes. It made me wonder if people around me were zombies but just looked like regular people. The idea of people being being other than what you think they are was always the most horrifying idea to me. I watched "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" when I was 10 and didn't sleep for a week. I digress, but I think that a major reason as to why people are devastated by Jackson's death is that he represented a particular moment in time that now is extinct. A time in which MTV would actually play videos (which they are today in memoriam which is pretty cool), when pop singers would actually sing instead of lip sync on stage, when people bought records and singles and cassettes instead of just downloading, when a talented little kid who never had a childhood could turn into a troubled, insecure adult who continually tried to please everyone, just like he had when he was a kid pleasing his father, by fitting into society's image of what he was supposed to look and act like. The white beauty, the extravagant spending. And yet I never believed the child molestation allegations. I honestly think that he never got to be a kid and therefore just hung out with little kids because they had what he never did and he wanted to celebrate and live vicariously though it.

I think for a lot of people in my generation MJ is so cemented to our childhood memories that his death is a real testament to the death of our own childhood and the acknowledgement that time has passed and we are all getting older and closer to our own mortality. At the very least it is no more sitting down in front of the tv after a long day swimming and watching the new videos on MTV. I feel like a woman old beyond my time that I am letdown by the current state of the fastfood, hiphop (no offense to HC who loves hiphop), ADD nature of our society. The up side of this is that Chris and I can do our best to create a childhood for Holden that is swimming in summer, exposure to good music, reading books, imaginative play. Basically, a resistance to the current conditions of how quickly children become adults conditioned to prefer computers and DVDs to fairydust dewdrops in the garden and books in invisible ink.

Rant aside, Chris comes home tomorrow yay! We have made it through our first separation post baby. Thanks to Chris's parents for coming to help....we had a great time and can't wait to see you again!

Man I am behind with my pictures. Holden is napping and I am actually able to work on my two kids' books I have been writing. One stars Holden and the other is alien poetry!

Come On Up To The House

2009-06-14T08:38:00.000-07:00

We are going to Dallas today to visit Chris's sister Julie! Our first roadtrip with the baby. We come back tomorrow and then Holden has his first babysitting experience (thanks Alicia!) while Chris and I go see Santogold at Stubbs. Going to be a fun few days full of firsts for the boy.

So I've recently discovered that Holden is a musical savant. At the very least he is so in love with music that it is honestly the only thing that I know will calm him down instantly. Even more so than food. I'm serious. I have been packing for the last hour and he sat in front of the stereo listening to the entire Nirvana Unplugged album. It is on its last song now and he is still listening intently in his chair (which he normally hates). Whether it is my singing to him or dancing with him or him just sitting there unstimulated aside from music, he will dance or sit entranced. I honestly have never seen anything like it in a person this young. His attention span is supposed to be 30 seconds or so? The mere fact of this, of his incredible love for music so young, makes me feel so damn lucky. Chris and I both consider music to be such a vital part of who we are and our life together couldn't be recalled without my thinking of the songs we were listening to at each specific time period. He is such a perfect conglomerate of us. He is more incredible than I ever could have imagined. I just feel so lucky to have such a talented little person in my midst. And I get to keep him for as long as he'll let me...which is the hardest part for me to realize. I can't believe I get him in my life forever. No one comes to get him at the end of the day. What a lucky hand I've drawn...getting to spend my life with the two best men in the world. It makes me so paranoid too...I feel like one person can not be so lucky and I am so scared that some karmic balancing act will intervene and disturb our happy nest. I suppose there isn't anything that can be done if that does indeed occur and I should just enjoy these times without concern. All right, I am going to go kiss on the boy while you watch some video footage of his loveliness and my morning singing voice which is not as lovely.

Holden is a Hustler

2009-06-10T13:00:00.000-07:00

Saturday Ramblings

2009-06-06T18:39:00.000-07:00

The fam took a trip to Torchy's Tacos...where Mommy and Daddy peacefully refreshed their palettes on the goodness of Torchy's queso, while Holden pulled his sunhat down in his carseat and snoozed in the shade.

Then we attemped to enter Emma Long park, but it was full. Yes, there was an actual sign saying that park was full to capacity. Damn Austinites and their love for the outdoors. It worked out in our best interest though, since we instead took a detour to the cutest lakeside restaurant ever!

Holden got some on the go formula (my boobs rejoiced) from Daddy, and we got beers (Fat Tire for me, Red Stripe for Chris). We watched children color with sidewalk chalk as the waves crashed against the dock. It was incredibly peaceful.

Baby blue eyes

yumz yumz

Waz up

Miette did not get an alcoholic beverage...despite being of age

Our view

Waves...we saw a paddle boat we are going to go on!

Arcade inside where you order your pizza and drinks. So quaint and super cute!!!

Week in Review (what is that from???)

2009-05-31T17:06:00.001-07:00

Baby boy is over a month old! We had to retire his newborn clothes:( Little guy is growing so fast! We got through our first week sans Chris's 24/7 help...it is all downhill from here!

We successfully navigated Target without major meltdown...

We went hiking in Great Hills Park and saw beautiful acts of god like this overarching grapevine.

We searched for stray peanuts to no avail.

We were calmed by Daddy.

And gazed skyward...

We wore overalls and sent a pic to Grandma Weber

We were visited by Auntie Tammany who gave us the most hilarious and unique picture ever of the animals as Russian Nesting Dolls!

We were given this gorgeous and old-manish handmade elephant: Louis....Thank you Ellen!!!!

And for Holden's 4-week-old birthday...Daddy gave Holden his first belly farts...

Salad Days

2009-05-27T15:27:00.001-07:00

I love that phrase and it is appropriate so yay I get to use it. These are salad days! Holden and I napped, read and ate throughout the morning. This was after he went to sleep for almost 6 hours straight last night! I actually woke up terrified and ran in and checked to make sure he was still breathing. Bad move, since I stirred him from sleep. But whatever, I was paranoid.

He will be a month old tomorrow. I really can't believe how quickly the time has gone and how much he and I and Chris have changed in such a short time. We have adjusted to one another and our new house. Holden has gone from a blob (albeit, cute blob) to a giggling, smiling, observing joy. He still melts down and we are still getting him used to hanging out while not being held (which is his favorite activity, snuggling) but he is doing so great on the sleep front and on developing a comfort with the things around him. I love the new noises he makes. Today it was sort of a coo after he smiled.

Today we strolled on down to the park and he didn't freak out once in his stroller, which is new. He absolutely loves being outdoors and it immediately calms him. We sat on a picnic bench and looked around for a while until some shady dude walked into the bushes near us and kept coughing regularly. I didn't want to bust his crops so we left. The geese had a few more stray eggs hanging in the park and they were totally ignoring them and hanging out with their duck posse. Poor eggs. Now Holden is still chillaxin in his stroller near me looking around. ( I love when he just hangs out in new environments and is ok with it.

Gluttonous Sultanfus

Holden is passionate about keeping it weird

Evening activities

It's such a gorgeous sight, to see you eat in the middle of the night

2009-05-26T22:08:00.000-07:00

Holden slept 2 five hour stretches last night! Thank the lord. It is hard for me to sleep though anyway, I always have one eye (ear?) open.

We successfully made it through our first day with Chris at work. Of course, he came home at lunch to see how we were. He made me a sandwhich then changed a poopy diaper and put him in the car for me. I am forever amazed at how good a man he is. I just can't imagine doing this with anyone else. I am so lucky for such a beautiful (and sultry!) soul. And I am lucky that my son has his beautiful eyes and arched eyebrows. Even when Holden is squawking I can't stop gaping at those perfect eyebrows. They crush me.

Holden and I ventured to Walmart and the bank. First public outing sans father. Holden had a stage 2 meltdown in Walmart, rightfully so. It sucks there and it smells.

Here he is dancing to his favorite song. He absolutely adores Neil Young. Good baby. Sometimes this song is the only thing that calms him down, like when I filmed this video. He particularly enjoys the guitar solo, as you shall see by his dancing.

God I love this kid so much it grinds me to bits.

La Conception

2009-05-24T14:45:00.001-07:00

Chris just said this aloud. He is reading to Holden. I am not sure if this is G material but it makes me chuckle regardless. He also said Fuente and is using a Spanish accent. It's pure awesomeness.

We are having a lazy Sunday after our dramatic day yesterday. Grandparents Weber are coming up in a few weeks, yay! They are helping out when Chris leaves for the first time for work out of town, boo! We can't wait to see them. I wonder how much different Holden will look to them since they last saw him a few days old? Even now his little face seems so much more adult like and alert.

I woke up this morning (ok afternoon, baby was up late even though he still managed 4 hour stretches in his car seat hehe) and had such an overwhelming feeling of excitement, rightness, and contentedness, that I felt like I did when I was a kid and had something super exciting coming up...like a birthday trip to Disney World. These are trying times but beautiful times. Chris was a bit more grouchy. Holden wasn't as easy on him during the second sleep shift.

I put Holden in one of Auntie Lesley's gifted outfits: red suspenders with airplanes on them. It is so cute even if he feels a bit silly about being in a jumper!

For every kiss you give me, I'll give you three

2009-05-23T23:00:00.001-07:00

We have had a great couple of days. Holden has been more and more interested in hanging out and looking around, rather than eating, sleeping, pooping, crying in standard newborn form. We have had some great walks and talks in the park at night (until Holden's crying woke the neighborhood dogs and set them a'howling) and today we met up with Julie and John at the wine festival. We had a great time with HC in Daddy's Bjorn until it starting pouring rain and lightning. Sylvia, Julie's baby, and Holden, were ushered by the kindly winery owners into the back of the tent so they would be dry. We still found ourselves standing in a river of water that careened over electrical wires. It was unexpectedly terrifying but Daddy hatched a great plan and sprung us free admist the storm. I had Holden in the Bjorn with towels over him and an umbrella and Chris had his arm around me and a trashbag on. The baby made it out dry and promptly thanked us with a poo that I got to change in the back of the car. Sounds like it would be a disaster but we found ourselves laughing and making memories anyway.

Onto the important news...sleep. Last night we put Holden in his miracle blanket and then into his carseat. He slept for 4.5 hours!!! I woke up worried about him 2 hours into it, so I still didn't get awesome sleep. It's funny, I never would have thought I'd allow him to sleep anywhere but his crib...but in an effort to nab every Z we can we will resort to pretty much anything. Except co-sleeping. We did that for 2 weeks and no more. It lends itself to awful sleep. The carseat in the other room will work for now. We will transition him over to his crib when he is old enough to be sleep-trained and cry it out (I know, what evil people that we are planning to do this to him, right?). That is around 3 months.

He will be a month old on Thursday! I can't believe how quickly this time has gone by. It has been exhausting and the hardest thing I have ever done. But still we have cemented such great memories and such a textured new life with our little man. Every day things become a little more comfortable and routine, which works for me as I thrive in that environment.

Some pictures:

Julie and John and rain

A poor lone goose egg made me sad

Sleepy HC

Miette hurt her nail and caught a ride home in the BeirCarten.

Smile Like the Sun

2009-05-19T20:42:00.000-07:00

We all took a jaunt to Wild Basin Preserve. Holden loves swaying in my sling and we read him all the mile markers about the various plants and trees. Like basket grass...lame! Then later, he practiced his smiling.

Magic rock bridge of yore for mom and dad

view from inside the sling

I have practice as a marsupial Momma thanks to Miette

Daddy carries our water in his empty Bjorn

Holden can already get up on his knees, we are rather terrified at what this means when he starts walking (at 5 months?!)

Holden debuts his grin fit for the silver screen. The camera work is in disrepair; I had to try to smile around the side of it whilst filming.

Holden Takes Bath

2009-05-17T20:52:00.000-07:00

We have had a rough day! Holden has been fussin and he spit up on me. Then two seconds later, in his bath, he won me over with his dancing. Sigh....men.

Up all night; sleep all day

2009-05-12T16:16:00.000-07:00

Ok, not exactly. Holden is still pretty good about sleeping at night compared to the horror stories you hear. But, he does get up about every 3-4 hours and cry. Sometimes just because he misses us, I think. So sometimes we find ourselves caving under the fatigue and bringing him into our room to sleep on our chests. He is immediately calmed that way. In fact, he is sleeping on my chest now. It is a hard balance because we don't want him only sleeping on our chests...but think he should be ok since he does sleep just fine in car seat, bouncer, swing, bjorn. Speaking of Bjorn, Chris totes him around in that thing all the time. Even if we are just hanging out at home. He says that it is his own private time with him, since I got 9 months of it. He equates the front hanging weight of the baby as what it must have been like for me to cart him in my body. Well yes, if you slap on the backaches, lack of comfortable sleep, and constant urination toward the end.

It is weird though, I do find myself missing some of the things about being pregnant, though rarely. It is more like a nostalgia for how quickly time is passing. The pregnancy has passed, Holden's first days have passed, his original due date has passed. He is almost 2 weeks old now! I find myself trying hard to grip onto every detail of this time. It is a trying time for sure...what with the lack of routine and trying to establish every bit we can. Fatigue, worry. But it is also a beautiful time. My world has grown both infinitely smaller and infinitely bigger all at once. Smaller, in that we spend a lot of time at home (though we get out once a day it is our rule) and do not go out and have fancyfree time. Bigger, in that this little world that we have created, where we take stroller walks down to the park and hug on the bench while watching Holden sleep, where we cuddle up on the couch when the baby is sleeping, where, like now, I have the baby sleeping on my chest and Chris sleeping curled up next to my side, is just so much more meaningful and larger and beautiful and textured than anything I have ever witnessed or experienced. Our little family is finding its way and we spend much more time laughing and crying at how gorgeous our life and child is than we do complaining about being tired (though that does happen!). We look out for each other. Chris makes sure that I eat and we take little trips, even if they are small, to just re-engage with the world.

For instance, for Mother's Day we went down to the Laguna Gloria park and put Holden in the Bjorn and looked at the peacocks and held hands looking out at the lake. We even stopped and had dinner at a Mexican Restaurant overlooking the hills and I got a margarita. The baby got formula and then spit up on Chris's shirt (second time Chris got nailed, first was urine at the doctor's office).

The tapestry of the world is different now. Where before everything I had seen in Austin was something I'd seen before, it now takes on an entirely different shape. Our little man is in the world, growing and thriving and screaming and making funny faces at us....wanting nothing but food and love. Holden rewarded me for being such a good Mommy by leaving me a balloon, card, and beautiful blue necklace in his crib for me to find on Mother's Day! I love my boys. I love saying "How are my boys doing?" Chris and I must be insane because through the fog of the fatigue we find ourselves staring at our child and pondering when we might have a sibling for him, such is the great joy and contentment he brings to us.

In big news around these parts...Holden's belly button fell off last night! It was gross but we took a picture of it (we are gross though, Chris asked me if I wanted a picture of my placenta after delivery and I said yes, how could I not be curious). We will save those for our own personal files as I am sure you are glad. Holden is also better about nursing now. It is not such a battle.

However, we did talk to the pediatrician today (we had been worried about his congestion but he is fine) and he actually encourages his patients to supplement with formula. He said there is no proven huge difference between a supplemented baby (or even one fully formula fed) and that of one exclusively breast fed, but there is a huge proven difference in the fatigue level of a mother who is exclusively breastfeeding (up every 2 hours) vs one who supplements. This made me feel better because there is so much dogma around exclusively breastfeeding (not from those close to me thank goodness) that I was feeling guilty about giving him any formula at all. But our pediatrician is a lot like us and laid back and considering both the baby's wellbeing as well as the parent's wellbeing. He definitely would not be right for everyone. Works for us though! We give Holden formula at night and he does sleep longer with it. We also take some formula with us when we go out. I like that the formula is forified with iron and DHA which is lacking in the breast milk. Though for sure I am not going to say that formula feeding is superior, because it isn't. But I like the system we are settling into and happy that we are getting some routine going. Chris is happy that we are supplementing because it has allowed him a lot more bonding time with the baby during feedings. Works for me (catching more z's).

Other big news is that Holden's penis is fully healed so we no longer have to dab Vaseline and gauze over his circumcision site, AND he's gained a ton of weight! Exactly a week ago he was 7 lbs 5 oz, now he is 7 lbs, 12 oz. He's thriving!

Grandma McAloon sent us pics from Holden's first few days on this rock...I love them:

About 5 mins after giving birth...exhausted but happy

Coming out of a vagina is tough business.

Mom feeds baby

The boys!

Nurse Mom

Holden loves to hold hands:)

Loving Grandpa

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Dad feeds baby

The girls!

And some randoms:

Chris dances with Holden

First stroller ride! Grandparents McAloon bought Holden a "Keep Austin Weird" bumper sticker, which we stuck to the back of his stroller. We plan to add more political/social statements to it as we go. He is an impassioned feller.

Ok I gotta shake this little guy awake!

Mommy

5 Hours!

2009-05-06T16:01:00.001-07:00

HC slept for 5 hours last night! He was fussin at the boob...it is an ongoing battle for us since little one is hooked to the formula drug. Ugh. But he is getting better. The best news is that his bilirubin went down and yesterday Dr. Dawson told us that we no longer have to test him and he is "the perfect baby."

As if I didn't already know this.

In other news, I have pooed finally. My fear of pooing is now gone and I no longer feel like I have another baby about to be born because of constipation. My milk has also come in, which took 5 days and worried me that it wouldn't happen. But it has and my boobs are huge melons. My stomach has deflated almost back to what it was, but it's sort of weird looking. I don't know how to describe it. But I can't wait to start on some crunches in a month or so.

Being with Holden in our Keep has been wonderful. It was made especially wonderful when we had our families here. On Saturday night all the grandparents and Ward were over at the house and we all had wine and cheese. And Tammany (who was my hospital friend btw, she brought flowers and smiles during and after HC's birth!) and Kyle and Andrew came over too. I loved seeing our house so full of love and excitement for Holden. I miss our families so much. I don't know if this is part of the "baby blues" everyone says you get....but I just feel very sensitive and nostalgic for having had everyone here and I wish we all lived closer.

I can't get over how beautiful Holden is. If I could sculpt a child at a Build-a-Baby workshop, I would create this exact baby. I love the extreme arch of his eyebrows, particulary when he gets angry and they go soaring up. I love his upturned little nose and big lips. His round cheeks and big blue eyes. And he's so perfectly plump you just want to eat him all up.

Holden will be a week old tomorrow and I can't believe it has gone so fast already! Already I am nostalgic for that first moment seeing him born, for watching him in his little basket wheeling around the hospital, sleeping with him on my chest for the first time. He becomes more and more his own person every day. He loves to be sung to and will stare into my eyes for 20 mins as I sing him songs, he is so so so stubborn just like his mom and dad, he is so strong and can lift his head completely upright when on his tummy and already roll on his side, he loves loves to be cuddled and hates to be naked (unless he is outside in which case he luxuriates with his belly in the sun like a lizard).

I already feel like a different person in just a few days. I know everyone says not to be consumed by the baby. To not let them become everything you think about. But it is hard to not want to be awake playing with him all the time despite pure exhaustion, or to put off lunch in favor of watching him open and close his starfish hands as he swings in his rainforest swing and looks out the window at the birds. Chris and I will just sit there and stare at him. Even his funny little farts and burps delight us.

This is not to say it is a cakewalk. Sleeplessness like this is not for the weak of heart. When we do get to sleep together and are not on opposite shifts, Chris and I will cling to eachother like people drowning. Gulping sleep like air.

There is nothing but living in the moment with a baby. It is the only option. You fly by the seat of your pants and you have to give up the idea of everything being planned perfectly because it is impossible. But it is such a momentous joy to see this little life that you and your lover created. That wouldn't exist if not for you. This perfect soul descended down from whatever heaven must be. To think of your child and your family and appreciate life in a new way, instead of directing life from the perspective of yourself as an individual entity going throughout the world thinking of self satifisfaction. I just can't wait to see every little new thing. His first smile, first word, watch his features develop and see what sorts of things he likes and dislikes. It's said that you will never really know love until you have a child. I always thought this was rather annoying. But I daresay it is true....in a way. There is love you feel to your significant other which is extraordinary, and that to your friends. But the love you feel toward your child is the type of self-sacrificing joan of arc shit upon which the galaxy's primordial soup must have existed.

Ok time to rouse him for the Battle of the Boob.

Some pictures of our little boy, who is a week old tomorrow (sob!)

this is the first pic that i snapped of our baby. he still prefers to be swaddled with his hands out. \

2nd pic I took of him with his big Buddha belly. That went down after his large meconium poo that chris was fortunate enough to change...

it cracks me up how beautiful he looks, even in standard issue hospital garb.

beautiful peaceful boy sleeps with his legs crossed like mama.

gorgeous father and son.

tummy time is the best time. Holden does prefer the one sock look.

snoozin in grandpa mcaloon's baby hat!

cradled in love. he is so tiny!

i love how you can just mess with kids and aint nothing they can do about it! ;)

More pics to come...fam pics and professional photog pics!

Mamma

Holden Christopher Weber

2009-05-04T16:14:00.001-07:00

As I write this, Holden is lying on my chest sleeping. His adorably rounded cheeks cut a curve in what was once just space and air a mere 5 days ago. He is 4 days old. And he is perfect.

Thursday, April 30th, I awoke at 6.45 am after a restless few hours of sleep. I felt crampy and my netherregions felt liquidy (yes this may be TMI for some so be warned). I went to the potty and noticed there was more of liquid. I didn't think too much of this, pregnancy is full of irksome and undignifed leaks and pains, but it did put me a bit on alert, since this was the first quite of its kind. "Baby," I said to Chris.
"Ergh," said the sleepy male.
"I am a little worried my water is breaking."
"What is it like?"
"A lot of fluid, I don't know." How was I supposed to really understand it much less explain it?
I paced a bit, then went back to the toliet to sit in full Thinker pose. At this point a full on gush of fluid came out. I went into panic mode, making a shrill animal-like groan of fear. What if something was wrong, what if it wasn't my water? What if it was and here I am about to have a baby and can I really go through labor? Can I really be a MOTHER?!
Chris came running.
I called the doctor's emergency line, then took a shower while Chris packed our hospital bag (we were a week exactly from our due date and still unprepared, go us!) The nurse who returned my call was the same nurse I spoke with the day before. I had called her because I was experiencing spotting and cramping after my appointment on the 28th, and then had lost my mucus plug on the 29th. I wanted to know if it was ok for Chris and I to go out to dinner or if I needed to be on red alert.
"Oh no," she said somewhat scornfully about the silly question she had said to answer afterhours when all she most likely wanted to do was sit down with a drink and some reality television. "Losing your mucus plug doesn't mean anything. You could walk around like that for 2 weeks."
Whatever lady, here I am 12 hours later sitting on a toliet as a fountain of girl. 2 weeks my ass.
So she tells me it "could be my water" and suggests I go to Dr. Weihs when they opened at 7.45.
Chris throws Cookie Crunch in a bowl, tells me to eat it, eat SOMETHING, because if I am going into labor it will be a long time. He uses a mixing bowl. He meant serious business about this eating thing. I choke a few minature cookies down as he hustles all our things into the car. I watch him as he packs, amazed that he remembers things like the microwavable thermal heating pad and camera cords. Into the car we go.
As if this whole "breaking water" thing wasn't movie-like enough (only 8% of women break their water on their own), it is rush hour traffic. This is after having to wait in the car as an ornery neighborhood goose stands in our way, looking smug, as I freak out and scream at it. I made up a name for him. "Alabaster," I said, "move from our way." He did. Chris looked at this positively and said that he was wishing us luck.
So yes, rush hour traffic, in Austin, Thursday morning. Chris drives about 10 miles on the shoulder of stopped 183. We have on our hazards, I grip the "oh shit" handle in on hand and my stomach in the other. People still flick us off. Gotta love some people. We make it to the office exactly at 7.45. We are ushered into the office, I am told to pee in a cup. As if this is just some ordinary office visit or something. Dr. Weihs comes in quickly, saying she will check me but it could be anything. She looks at the fluid and immediately says that it looks like amniotic fluid but she will check to make sure. Two seconds after she puts her magic fingers in me I feel liquid heat pouring from me. It doesn't register what in the world this could be. "Oh wow there goes your water," she said. I was only 1 cm dilated. I was scared. She told me that I needed to go to L&D immediately and they needed to start pitocin. I asked her if labor was going to be really difficult considering I was only 1 cm dilated and they were throwing me into artificial labor. She didn't answer right away. "It could be very long," she said.
So we leave and pull right next door to the hospital. Chris asks me if we should get something to eat since the minute I got in there they wouldn't let me eat or drink. I think and say ok, yes we should. I call my parents on the way to Waterloo. I tell them what is going on they are amazed that I went into labor early and that my water broke on its own. I tell them I really want them to be here, I want them to come. Chris's parents do not fly and so I knew they wouldn't make it. They say they will look into flights. After what seems like 30 mins I choke down half a breakfast taco. We go to L&D. The kindly man at the front desk greets us. "Kelly's water broke we need to be admitted," Chris says to us. His 80 year old ass literally runs from his seat. He asks me if I need a wheelchair. No, I say, I will walk. I can do this. Are you sure? He says. Yes.
He leads us around the hospital past registration desk, getting us lost and wasting time. But he was nice so we thank him as he tells us all about his grandkids. The grouchy woman at the nurse's station was not nice. She tells Chris to go register like we were stupid for getting lost. He is brisk back but runs off to check us in. I go into my room. Room 54. Area 54. It is the same room that was used as a model during our hospital tour. I am alone in the room for a few minutes. I take in its space. It is innocuous and still. It holds no meaning but I know that this room is where I will deliver my son, where I will fight and fight to extricate him from my body, where I will cry and yell and experience joy and fear. The nurse comes in, Sarah. She is nice and I am calmed. They hook me up to all sorts of wires. They have to try twice for the IV and blow the first vein. Ok, little rocky start, but I know my veins are hard to poke from being in the hospital previously, so I forgive her. Sarah starts the pitocin at 9 am and I wait. Chris changes into his "I love my nerd" shirt and favorite pajama pants after he showers. I tell him he should shower, he was hesitant. But it woke him up and he looked much more calmed.
At this point I am scared of the pain to come, the unknown ahead, and my blood pressure reflects it. They dip my urine to make sure I didn't just develop pre-eclampsia over night. I haven't. I am just nervous, shocker. The contractions begin and I have to keep peeing and pooping constantly. I handle them ok. I try to remember the lamase classes and how to breath. Chris breaths with me. I am super conscious of his comfort. For some reason I was opposite of how I expected to be in pain. You see in the movies all these angry women curses their husbands. I wanted him to be happy, at ease, I inquire often about him. His positivity buoys me. I get periodically checked by the nurse and Dr. Weihs (who had a funeral to get to, greaaaat). I am progressing. This is good. At noon I have a contraction so bad while peeing that I get that feeling like I am being poisoned. That I will fall on the floor in a white heat and pass out. I ask them please please for narcotics if not the epidural. Nurse Sarah checks to make sure the epi is ok. A half hour after requesting the epidural the anesthesiologist comes in. She is a pretty blonde woman. She is very kind. I loved her. She preps my back as I lean on the side of the bed, arching my back like a cat or trying to. My feet are in Chris's lap and he holds them. My head is lodged firmly in my hands. They give me the local numbing agent. It feels like an angry bee from hell. She inserts the needle and I feel pressure. More terrifying, I start feeling poking and jabbing IN MY SPINE. I tell her this and she administers more numbing agent. I do not feel it again. The worst thing about the epi was the strange crunching bone sensation that goes along with it, and the rooting around in your back, and how long it takes. It took about 5 mins for her to work in there. That was awful. But when she was done, ohhhh ohhhh how I loved her. It's not that you get stoned from it, it is just numbing affecting your lower half. But the lack of pain is so relieving that you feel like you just mainlined heroin. Or whatever I'd imagine that would feel like. At this point I am talkative and bantering with Sarah and Chris.
At around 5 pm I am no longer bantering. The pressure from the baby's head is so great it is almost worse than the contractions. It is difficult to explain how pressure can be painful, but oh how awful it is. It is like you are taking a crap the size of a planet. You feel the baby entirely in your butt. It is strange.
I dilate to 9 centimeters and am almost ready to push. Sarah tells me my pushing should be very short since he is so low. This is when the epi machine starts to scream at us. I realize now that what was an easy labor now has taken a terrible turn. There was a kink in the catheter and the medicine wasn't going into my back. I am feeling more and more pressure. Another anesthesiologist comes in. Tells me he might need to re-do it. This makes my heart sink. But he manages to splice the wires and it is working. He gives me a huge boost of medicine, knowing that I am minutes from pushing. My legs promptly go numb. I begin to feel loopy and begin singing Lionel Richie's "Dancing on the Ceiling" to the ceiling. When it is time to push, I pull on my legs and they feel like slabs of meat. They certainly do not feel like mine. And I have no pain or pressure to push into. It is a pointless effort. The clock restarts.
The epidural is turned completely off. I know I should be scared but I want to meet my son so badly that it doesn't phase me. I want to feel it, I want things to progress. When I feel the urge to poop a planet again an hour later the pushing commences. This is when the second blunder occurs. The doctor on call comes in, puts her hand (yes her hand, thank god for the epi) into my vagina and tell me that the baby is slightly transverse and that each time I am pushing he goes forward, then back into his twisted position even though she tries to turn him. A baby in this position can not be delivered. She tells me that we need to consider the possibility of a c-section.
This is not welcome news. It is around 8 pm and I have been going through this since 6.45. I did not get this far to go into surgery. She has this infuriatingly serene calm about her, but she's also a bully. I do not like this doctor. But at least this anger gets me more motivated to get him out my way.
We try the climbing the rope trick. No go. At this point, Nurse Sarah, who stayed late because she wanted to see Holden born (we hit it off) has to go relieve her babysitter of her daughter. Nurse Stacey (i am spelling it like this because it reminds me of my dear friend stacey k!) comes in. She tells me that if I am not too numb I should try to sit on the middle of the bed, where there is a dip in the plastic mattress thing. So I sit on the edge and Chris sits on the remaining part of the bed. I lean into him and push down, hoping gravity will help me. It feels stupid and I don't believe anything is happening until Stacey tells me that she can feel his head dropped into the birth canal. He is still twisted though. Doctor comes back in, tells me that since he hasn't turned from my pushing yet a c-section is getting to be a more solid possibility. I am more mad and scared now. At this point it is 10 pm and my mother comes into the room. I am buck naked, exhausted, my head hangs into my chest as I sit in the pushing position. "They want to c-section me" is the first thing I say to her. She asks me if I would like to put clothes on. No, I want to do this naked. I don't tell her that this whole birthing thing is to me the closest I can get to feeling like an animal, which obviously humans are, and this is the way I am doing it. Stacey tells me that I am going to push him out. That I can do it. She has seen dead-end cases. Women so tired they just give up and give in. She sees that is not me. Between Stacey, Chris, and my Mom, I have a great team. And for some reason I find endless reserves of energy. I block out my exhaustion and I push even when people have stepped from the room. I watch the printout of the contractions, and when they hit their peak I push to high heaven. I know I am making progress when my ass feels about to rip open. Stacey had me lay back and she checks me. With genuine excitement she tells me she can feel his head. Chris holds one leg, Mom holds the other, and I push against them. I push so hard I see space, stars and galaxies and all. I think about aneurysms and blood clots. I wonder if I am about to die. After a few pushes that come from a force greater than the Santa Ana winds, I see his head in the mirror. He has little tiny hairs all over his head. Chris begins a shrill excited refrain. "I can see him I can see him baby he's almost here you can do it!" My Mom is making little yelps and encouragements. I push again, and he crowns. The fucking (yes, I didn't like this woman) doctor is apparently having a drink down the hall or something, despite knowing I was close, and it takes her about 3 mins to get in the room, put on her gloves, and walk over. "HELP ME!" I yell at her over and over again. They were telling me not to push, that the doctor had to catch the baby. Sure, I will not push while this head just sits here destroying ever semblance of my former vagina. Thanks. Finally she gets down there and I am allowed to push. I close my eyes and concentrate. I push as hard as I can and the head comes out, or so I am told. I push again and someone yells that a shoulder was out. I push again and I feel enormous relief.
He is out. He is on the table and he gives a cry. Chris and I look at each other and begin to spontaneously erupt into uncontrollable crying and indiscernible animal noises. Holden is placed on my chest. He hair was slightly matted with blood and he had some in the folds of his face. But he doesn't smell bad or look crunched up or anything. He looks like the perfect combination of Chris and I. He has Chris's eyes and my nose. My bottom lip and his top. His chin and my facial shape. After his one cry he looks around, observing everyone. He doesn't panic and go wild like most infants you see on birthing shows. He just kinda looks around taking in the world. After some time they place him on the warmer and get his weight. He is a lucky baby: 7 lbs, 7 ounces, lucky 7s. 20 inches long. A big baby. If he had gone to his due date, or as predicted, over his due date, he would have been over 8 lbs. It was utter chaos in the room with the doctor rushing in, so I am not sure if 11.45 is really his official time of birth. But we are going with that. I had said this whole pregnancy I wanted a May baby. He was 15 mins from a May baby. And the rebelliousness starts! Haha. Actually I've always wanted a baby born on the last day of the month or the first, whichever. So that works too. ;) Yes, I am weird with numbers.

He is a perfect angel. A very content baby aside from when he is getting his diaper changed or is awake and wanting to be held and not being held. He already can pick up and turn his head and he rolled over on his side in his crib. He is going to be a handful. It is hard to get frustrated even when he is being fussy, though. He opens his huge blue eyes and stares you down. Everyone we meet talks about how beautiful and calm he is. We have such a lovely little soul in our lives!

Ok I am getting tuckered out....will post more of the last 4 days in a bit.

Mama for real!

Nursery Update

2009-04-27T19:48:00.000-07:00

Holden,

The nursery is almost done! We need a music wall with records and a boombox, a rug, to finish painting the letters white and hang them above the windows and to get a ceramic fish for our bubble mirrors. Then it is done! Here are some pics:

The shelf above your changing table. It has your Taurus oxen looking down over you, "The Dangerous Book for Boys" which Daddy bought a looooong time before you came along, and a lovely antiquey wooden stacker from Grandparents Weber.

Your letters are almost done! All I need to do is paint over the wood on the last few letters white, and it will be done. I am so happy with how they turned out...I think they are even better than the ones you can spend ridiculous money on in the store!

Up close bookshelf...you have tons of Serendipity books, which are Chris and I's favorite. The blocks spell out "son."

Bookshelf in full glory...it has little golden firefly lights all around it that are so soothing at night.

Welcome to Holden's room!

This sign was given to me in Gruene by Grandpa Weber and it says, "I made a wish and you came true." Very much true for you, baby.

Our curtains! We took a risk on the golden tentacles hehe, but we LOVE them. I wish I could get a better picture of them! They are so lovely they remind me of Christmas each time I look at them.

Another shot....

Your firefly coat hanger. I need a better pic for perspective....but we cracked up thinking about you having a coat hanger for your itty bitty jackets.

We are getting a ceramic fish to go underneath the bubbles so it looks like it is blowing bubbles up your wall:)

More bubbles! Love these!

XOXO

Mama

11 Days?!

2009-04-26T19:13:00.001-07:00

Holden,

I can't believe the spinning baby is saying it is 11 days until your due date. Wow. Just wow.

Well, the house is much more put together than even 3 days ago. All the boxes have been sorted and either unloaded and recycled, or placed in the attic for storage. The trash people give us a recycling can and we can put mixed media in there: paper, plastic, aluminum unsorted. This makes being "green" so much more convenient for your mums. Your nursery is sooooooo cute. There are just a few more tweaks to do and we will be done. But you could come anytime and I think be happy with your accommodations.

Daddy is painting the final touches on the kitchen right now. A few minutes ago he was standing on top of the kitchen counter, hunched over and painting the wall, and singing Bad Religion to his ipod. It's one of those things that you just cement to memory as a set of variables you will see once in your life.

Earlier I went to Target (I live there) and made Daddy a surprise relaxation bag. Candles, wine, Beethoven, jalapeno poppers (he loves them), and a gift certificate for an hour-long massage. I also gave him a thank you card thanking him for how hard he works for our family and stating the magnitude of appreciation I have for his integrity and dedication to our little corner of the world. We both got a little maudlin....but then he totally scared me.

"Come here, sit down, I have bad news."

When people do this to me my nature is to not want to sit at all and to take the bad news immediately at that moment while I am in a standing position. I was terrified someone in one of our families was hurt. Or that we were facing certain financial ruin. But mainly that someone had died. It was that sort of somberness. I sat down out of frustration because it seemed that sitting would speed up the process of hearing the news.

Turns out that a woman from the neighborhood had come around to collect donations from members of Riviera Springs (official name of our subdivision) because a woman down the street just lost her daughter. Her 10-year old was playing with a shovel she found and in tossing it up and waving it about had touched a power cord, and severed it. She was electrocuted and died. This happened yesterday. The woman (Chris has the impression that she is a single mother) is from Mexico and all she wants to do now is go home to Mexico to be with the rest of her family. Chris gave her $100, which is all we can really afford to give right now, and we are going to see if there is something else we might be able to organize in the neighborhood...maybe bringing food around to her.

Tragedies like this are always inspiring of ambivalence. I cried thinking of her and for the loss of an innocent child. Yet how in the world can I feel empathy for a situation that horrible? I hope I never have to and to pretend to even empathize with that level of despair seems so arrogant or self involved somehow.

Regardless, I can not help but think that we are 11 days until you burst in this world, innocent and vulnerable. Subject to all the chaos this world has to offer...with us trying to protect and shield you as best we can but ultimately having little control over the elements of danger implicit with just being alive. To hear of a loss of a child a few doors down from us a few days before our child is born into the world is nothing less of alarming, horrible, and almost maddening.

I love you, Holden. Life is a precious, temporary, beautiful, and tenuous beast. I promise you that we will do everything we can to protect you. But please please please be careful.

Mom

This is the astronomy picture of the day. To me it looks like baby footprints. Your feet in the sky ready to touch ground any moment:

Nurserius Interruptus

2009-04-18T20:37:00.000-07:00

Holden!

So unfortunately due to the dimensions of the room (it is nearly a perfect square) I can not get all of the nursery walls at once in a photo! So I had to take piece by piece pictures. We finally have the major furniture assembled (thanks to about six hours of work by your Dad and some help from your Mom) and all we have left is little furniture pieces and decorations.

I am making you decorated letters for above your crib! I am so proud of my craftiness, which I conceived of with just scrapbook paper, wooden letters, adhesive, and an Exacto knife.

Daddy making crib and your letters.

Ok since you have McAloon blood, you surely will appreciate all the time it took me to figure out that this was the perfect fan. Thanks to Uncle Andrew for coming over and installing into wall!

My cozy glider for the many times I will be up feeding you. You can see a little better the gorgeous seafoam green of your walls! We thought it would be a tranquil color.

Your beauteous crib. We took off closet doors and recessed the crib into the space. We laughed about telling you that you were living in a closet in your future. We plan to get some white mosquito netting to drape over the walls so it is not closet-like at all!

Your changing table/dresser. We are going to go get cute little glass pull handles for drawers tomorrow.

We are arranging the room in a sort of bungalow manner, with the pieces facing inward and we are going to get a nice circle rug for the middle. It is so peaceful! The thing in the middle is my workbench for your letters.

I was a bit dubious when I picked out this lamp but it is super cute for your room and gives it more of a zen peaceful feel:) I will get it during daytime so you can see it's neat paper pattern.

Ok hopefully we can get better pics in the daylight and maybe of more of the room once we make more progress! It is looking so great and I can't wait to see you in it and put up your decorations!

Mama

You're growing a life within a life; the lips of wonder kiss you inside.

2009-04-18T13:35:00.000-07:00

Your nursery is coming along!!! I just wanted to say we love you and our new house. Animals are coming apart at the seams and appear to be leaking all sorts of body fluids in reaction. Gross. Ok more later. <3

Falling asleep against the window pane

2009-04-12T21:25:00.000-07:00

Holden,

Daddy and I are done weared out painting your Keep. It looks very good but still much more to do. Tomorrow the movers come and I will actually have a place to sit, which is incredibly exciting for me. Finishing up packing at the last night at the dorm. Love you.

I'm Just An Animal Looking for a Home; Share the Same Space For A Minute or Two

2009-04-07T20:17:00.000-07:00

Baby baby baby blue,

We closed on your Keep today! We are officially homeowners of a gorgeous house in a neighborhood with a duck pond! I can't believe with all the obstacles and the time limit that we found such a wonderful place. It is lovely. We did the walkthrough today before we signed and Allen our realtor was already there, and had opened up all the doors. Wind was lightly breezing through the house and it felt like we were standing in an open field all by ourselves, holding hands and looking out together at the grand silence of the world. Except this was captured inside a space...OUR space! The owners had done a wonderful job of cleaning up, and left us a note that brought tears to our eyes. We plan to frame it and hang it up in the house, possibly in the garden.

It reads:

"Congratulations on your first home and the coming of your first child! These are wonderful beginnings and we pray you are as blessed in this home as we were when we started out with our babies. Hope you enjoy making the home your own- but just in case time and energy are short we left some of the paint we had for touch-ups if you should need it- but of course you will have fun doing your own thing when you are ready. You will have many wonderful neighbors here and lots of children for your daughter or son to grow with!

Enjoy and God Bless,

Laura and Blake

oh...p.s. The paint on the kitchen door leading out to the garage is magnetic- fun for whatever:)"

We plan to send them a thank you note through Allen. I mentioned that I could feel wonderful loving vibes from the house the minute we walked in, and this for sure was a house that a family had treasured. I am so excited to make our own memories here with you, our beautiful baby boy. One very very neat thing, that most people might think is NOT neat but we did, hehe, is that there was sidewalk chalk writing on one of the bricks on the front of the house. We think that the daughter that lived there, Hannah, who made the garden stone that once beautified the backyard, had written her initial there. It wasn't her last name, though. All it read was:

H.

Holden's Keep indeed.

Here are some pictures of you in my tummy, your pumpkin-like Mama, and your proud father:

Your father and the love of my life

Evidence this is meant to be your Keep...

Proud Daddy surveys his land

Our living room

The owners left and labeled all the paint they used!

Mommy and Daddy in front yard

Proud proud proud

Mommy and Daddy at front door next to your H

Daddy and Allen through the bedroom window

A beautiful THANK YOU to Ellen, who sent us these gorgeous tulips and a wonderful card congratulating us on the house. They go perfectly with...

The tulips Daddy got me a few days ago! We have a very decorated house right now (if you overlook all the boxes)

Daddy left today right after we closed (and purchased an emergency fridge as the sellers took theirs and we thought they were leaving it!) He is making the clouds in Corpus. In other words, working with the air emissions plant there. We decided we would point out the power plants to you when you are little, when they are pumping their epic white puffs into the air, and say that is where Daddy goes when he leaves for work. He goes to make the clouds:)

Big thanks to Tammany for being on-call in case I need to go to the hospital before Daddy comes home on Saturday! And to Alicia for being my stand-in Baby Daddy at birthing class on Thursday:)

We love you so much and can't wait to meet you! 30 short days to go, little one.

And of course, your 36-week belly dance:

Love, Your Proud Parents

Sister Golden Hair So Bright

2009-04-05T21:23:00.001-07:00

Holden,

Daddy went on major nesting spree with me. We got washer/dryer, deep freezer, glider, and a plan for bed frames in the new house. I also got a lot of the hospital and diaper bag packed for when we will be running out to welcome you to the outside world.

We close on the house in two days! There was a terrible spot there where sellers were giving us flack about wanting us to pay half their deductible for a new roof that was damaged from last week's hailstorm. But we stalled on them and they want out quickly bc the husband lives in CO now, so they just conceeded to pay the entire thing. I feel a bit bad for them. It is a tough time for sellers. But I am happy for us:)~

Today we went to what will be our neighborhood park and daddy painted my tummy as a sun with planets orbiting. He was going to make it accurate with full planets and Miette and Spronion orbiting but I was complaining having to lay flat for so long on the ground so we only got in earth, mars, mercury, venus. The cars driving by were slowing down and wondering what shady business was going on with the girl with her shirt up and the guy kneeling next to her. It was amusing. Already making a big impression with the neighbors;)

Here are the designs on my almost 36-week belly!

Daddy's favorite picture

You can see your foot there on the top left. Dad got it poking out.

Totally awesome art! Belly has corners now!

The world revolves around me ;)

Up close of earth and poor tattoo. Oh and pants marks....That freaked my shit out when I looked at that bc I am terrified of stretch marks. A month to go and I am walking around slippery from all the lotion I am convering myself with. I found this lovely lotion from Mama Mio that I think i will continue to use after you emerge, it smells so yummy.

Love you!

Mommy

Olsen Olsen

2009-03-30T19:37:00.001-07:00

Here you are dancing to your favorite song. I didn't really believe that babies danced in the womb, although I read it was possible in some of my baby books. But every time we play you this song, "Olsen Olsen" by Sigur Ros, you sway. Not kick, sway and roll. I got a pixelated account of it a few minutes ago I'm posting. I also will post a better quality later. The best thing about this is that Daddy picked out this song when he first found out I was pregnant as the song he can't wait to hold you and dance with you to. So it's rather weird. Also the album cover is this little fetus. Weird!

It will be cool for you to be able to look back this one day!

How you've turned my world, you precious thing

2009-03-30T18:40:00.000-07:00

Holden,

Sorry about the raised voice. Your dad and I were arguing the benefits veracity of an energy star washer/dryer (I think they are worth the initial investment, he does not). It is one of those events that in hindsight are ridiculous, but in the moment you dig your heels in and goddamit it's all you see. Daddy is now at the grocery store collecting our food stuffs. In retaliation for the w/d conflict, I texted him a huge list of items, some difficult to find, and not in an order categorized to the store's organization. For instance I had two bakery items but they were separated by 20 items or so. So he has to circle back across the store if he is going down the list in order. Evil, I know. Much like David Bowie on the crazy staircases at then end of Labyrinth, which is where this title comes from.

Aside from that we are spending an exorbitant amount of time playing Resident Evil 5. Last night we were up until 3 am. Not fun for Chris, who has to get up early for work. But he really had to beat that large Mothra thing and who am I to stop that kind of do-gooding? Besides, we won't have this kind of college-like whittling away of time after you burst onto the scene, so we are living it up.

Anyway, happy time pictures:

This one is my favorite so it is first. Rita, most glorious creature in all of world, sometimes is a little clumsy. Like whilst on edge of mountain. Thankfully she had her son there to hold her up and I had my camera to capture her in action.

Me and psycho holiday bear at Rebekah's Hotel.

I'd say I like this bc it is Chris with Sprout. But mainly I just love his Kurt Cobain bone structure.

Chris in attire for convention before he rocked it. I was taking a picture from the depths of sleep.

A very nice picture of Rita and Chris, sure-footed.

Condemning evidence that Chris DOES INDEED love my huge preggo pillow. Not able to complain anymore are you, buster?

Chris cleaning the huge high windows:)

David gives his gift for Holden's Keep. THANK YOU GRANDPA!

I thought I was hilarious doing this while pregnant. If you look quickly I look skinny...until you see my bulbous beehive coming out.

Beautiful view from the porch.

Love you,

Mama

39 Days!

2009-03-29T14:12:00.000-07:00

Holden,

Just looked at the pregnancy ticker and it says 39 days until your due date. 39 days! We are in one-month territory. This is really just about to happen. We are going to see your perfect little face, watch you take your first breaths, red and angry, pumping your fists. I just can't believe it is happening so soon. That it is happening at all! That Daddy and I created this separate entity who is going to have opinions on what music is good, who may or may not like green beans, who will call us Mommy and Daddy and carve out an entire independent existence one day.

It really blows my mind.

It really makes me smile.

Random Video I Like

2009-03-28T10:50:00.001-07:00

Gigantic, Gigantic, A Big Big Love

2009-03-24T22:43:00.000-07:00

Holden, baby, little one, snork, smudge,

It has been so long since I have written you. Grandma Weber pointed this out a few days ago when we were in Ruidoso visiting your gramps and grams. We had the most wonderfulest time ever. It was sort of a spontaneous vacation. We ate, a lot. We had a scrumptious brunch at a haunted hotel in CloudCroft, that is frequented by a ghost named Rebeka. Everyone drank mimosas. I drank water that had a large lemon slice in it that I carefully extracted. This is the town from which all your lovely, antique-looking wooden toys originated. There was a half off sale at a toy store and Grandma and Grandpa bought you a load of super cute puzzles, magnets, pull toys, bugs in bags, and more. This was after getting you seriously the most adorable two outfits I have ever seen. I will post pictures of them in a following entry, they involve hats though:) I will also post pictures of the most gorgeous necklace in the world, that Daddy got me. It is my Neverending Story/Sci Fi Princess necklace of opals.

I know I have mentioned before how much love surrounds you already and I can't emphasize it enough. Your father's parents are two of the most loving and generous people I have ever known in my life. They love you so much it makes them smile like kids to feel you squirm in my belly. They also gave us a gift toward the downpayment of Holden's Keep, our first home. I really have no idea how to express gratitude for selflessness to such a magnitude, particularly in such difficult economic times, but I know their love for you and Chris and Me and our reciprocal love back is enough.

We returned from NM yesterday and left today for Galveston. The cats are not happy. Onion seems to be a stress-eater. We left half a bag of food for them for 4 days and upon our return it was gone and Onion is large as a house. Normally Onion is a polite eater and Sprout is a tank. It seems that under times of duress, like his owners' absence, he gorges. Miette has been partying with Uncle Andrew. It has been weird to wake up without the crotch dwelleruaua. But we had to leave regardless because Daddy is presenting at a huge conference this week! Aren't we so proud?

...At the moment it is 5.30 am, an ungodly hour that I am sure I will be up rocking out with you at, and Daddy is finding every available item to make noise with. I have heard foil rustling, plastic bag crinkling for minutes, water running, you name it. He is leaving early for conference-related....

Didn't finish that sentence. It is now 3.30 pm and I just got back from the pool. It appears that the sun has finally come out, just as I get upstairs. Grr. It was still fun though. I got to turn on my belly and make little flips and float. As I float I thought of being a kid in the pool, floating on my back and squinting at the clouds and the sun under a veil of watery silence, allowing love and hope and faith in goodness to bouy me up. I channeled into that today while floating, and did my best to sink it all down to you. There was a dad with his three kids in the pool and they were playing all sorts of fun games. All of them were laughing in that unselfconscious way of children and parents in love. Their mother read in a lounge chair, smiling the whole time. I can't wait!!! The pool rules said "Those who can not swim or under the age the 14 shall not enter pool." It amused me that our culture still uses "shall" as this biblical scary directive. On a pool sign, no less.

Tonight we are going to a free dinner for all conference attendees and their guests. It is inside the Aquarium Pyramid which is right across from the hotel. I can't wait to see the sealife and eat some good grub.

Such good things abounding this spring! There is your arrival which in 3 short weeks is full-term, and the house. and also my loved ones. Chris is rocking work and this conference, Tammany was accepted to graduate school, Ellen is getting a big promotion! I am so happy that there is so much hope and happiness abounding.

Ok, I do need to get ready to go so I am going to be signing off for now. I will continue updating laterz.

My Bauble

34 weeks preggo. Your house.

Your house part two.

Mama

Walk This World With Me

2009-03-07T19:11:00.001-08:00

Holden,

It is difficult to walk around lately b/c your head is smashed right up against my nether regions and it feels like I am toting around a huge tree root in my abdomen. But today Uncle Andrew and I walked around your new neighborhood and lounged at the park and duck pond talking about how much you are going to love it here! There were so many kids out playing at the playground and riding their bikes. The neighborhood is ideal for a family. It is not one of those new cookie cutter complexes without trees- everything is very well established and maintained with so much character. No home owners association, phew! Although Daddy and I were talking about organizing a voluntary HOA to organize things like renovations on the community meeting house, park/pond clean-up, etc. I think that people would go for it considering how warm it is and how many children there are in the neighborhood. Daddy told me last night that he noticed that one of the garden rocks in our garden had the name of the little girl who currently lives in the house written on it. Hannah Carter. She had drawn a little heart on it. There is such love in the house and it has great positive vibes...we are going into a place of love to create our own beautiful memories.

Daddy is gone this weekend but returns Monday. I miss him so much even though it was just this morning that he left. He gets to see TN in springtime though so I am happy (and jealous) for him about that! How I would LOVE to eat at the Loveless Cafe! He works so hard for us...this is a voluntary weekend trip for some extra green. You have the most amazing father who puts us before himself every time. Sometimes I think about Daddy and I cry thinking of how selfless and wonderful he is.

It's becoming more and more difficult to be a functioning human being. Getting out of the bath tub, climbing the stairs, carrying groceries, etc, are becoming acts of effort instead of just involuntary motions. I need Daddy to hold up my belly for me while I sleep! Well not really but I just like it and I miss him more and more when he has to leave for work the further this pregnancy progresses.

Speaking of which...check out this time line:

March 7: today
April 7: we close on the house
May 7: your due date

Wow.

Mamma

Baby Shower Pictures!

2009-03-05T19:51:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Ellen for sending these! XOXOXOXO

Belly groping!

Hands on Belly

George, Nate, Gene

Half of group watching my presents!

Tams and Alicia

Me and Laura

We love our Shark towel, thanks Shanoon!

Shane, Cody, Lesley and Mama!

Kelly, Chris, Rita

Me blowing out Snork cake

Beautiful Snork Cake!

Cutting Snork cake:)

Daddy cuts cookie cake

Me and Tifferz!

I look awful in this picture but Chris looks so adorable I had to put it up!

Yes, Rita, this picture does rock.

What a perfect party!!!!

The Nesting

2009-03-05T18:59:00.000-08:00

So yeah I can't stop nesting, especially now that we are getting Holden's Keep and visions of decorating dance in my head. I FINALLY decided on a crib. This has been a stresser for me for months. I wanted to pick the perfect crib with a good price. Here you are:

We got a dresser/change and crib for under $600! Super price and the dark wood is just gorgeous. The bed coverts to a toddler bed as well, so it has longevity! I can't wait to see you coo in it!

Holden's Keep

2009-03-05T16:14:00.000-08:00

Baby Boy!

You have a home!!! After an edge of the seat offer/counter-offer/counter-offer...they have accepted! We got such a good deal on the house and we move in exactly a month before your due date: April 7!!!!

It is our perfect first home and we are so very excited. Everything is falling into place. As long as the inspection doesn't show up something totally crazy (that seller won't pay for) then our option period will end in 10 days. Seller is bound to the contract the minute they sign tonight. We have a ten-day period to back out for any reason (including if inspection shows something weird) which is a good protection, but assuming all is in good condition we move in a month before you come into the world. I can't wait to set up your nursery...to make your home a place of love and warmth. I promise you that this will always be "our house." Not mine, not Daddy's....ours.

Our little family is going to be so amazing. Your soul will be so happy that you chose to enter this body at this time because we are going to have SO MUCH FUN. Just think how fun the poke game is...now multiple by billion and square by a lifetime.

Miette and Spronion will have a yard! A huge yard with oaks trees and birds and squirrels and a garden. You will eat breakfast amongst ancient trees and I will pet your perfect face and tell you how lovely all the world is.

We can not wait to meet you, beautiful tummy dweller. To make memories with you in our new house, Holden's Keep.

Mommy and Daddy

p.s. To watch your reaction to the news, check out these belly dancing kicks! You are so strong and joyful!

Putting Down An Offer!

2009-03-03T21:11:00.000-08:00

Holden,

I think we found the house we are going to take you home to. We saw it today and it is so adorable. It is 3 minutes north of the last house I wrote about, in a beautiful neighbor with a duck pond that reminds me of the the first house I was brought home to as a baby. 3 bedrooms, hardwood floors, modern kitchen, huge backyard with big oaks trees, perfect hazy light coming through the bedrooms, so cozy and on a street full of kids. And it has a red door! I've always wanted a house with a red door!

We are checking it out tomorrow again, to make sure it wasn't just all starstruck love. But I felt butterflies the minute we pulled into the driveway, just like the first time I saw Daddy....I think it's the one! Here are some photos:

It is so adorable...I can't wait for you to see it! It would also just be a nice thing not to be worried about where we are going to be living in two months and being able to set up your nursery (and send out my darn thank you notes for the shower...agggghhh)!

Love,
Mommy